4 golfers only

[jocko]

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on,"Elizabethinsisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

[340pd]

Subject: An Inspirational Story

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament .

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought...



'Geez - I could win this!'

[340pd]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a
>
> chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
>
> "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I
>
> thought this was the day you spent with your family."
>
> "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my
>
> brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite
>
> a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
>
> "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it
>
> your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
>
> "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took
>
> the Lord's name in vain today!"
>
> "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
>
> tell me all about it!"
>
> "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother
>
> - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I
>
> hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
>
> made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
>
> wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
>
> "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But
>
> surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
>
> "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
>
> fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs
>
> my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
>
> "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
>
> "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so
>
> proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign
>
> from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and
>
> flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
>
>
>
>
>
> "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
>
>
>
> "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because
>
> as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started
>
> struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the
>
> ball popped out of his
>
> paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
>
> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
>
> chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
>
>
>
>
>
> "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

[340pd]

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of **** on the end of your driver. "

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."

Sorry. I'll stop now.

[Sage]

A man was playing golf with his wife and a buddy.

As they approached the tee to the first hole the woman said I'll walk on ahead down the edge of the rough to the women's tee.

When she was about 50 yards ahead her husband teed off and hit her in the back of the head. She fell unconscious and her husband immediately called for an ambulance.

After getting her in the ambulance the buddy said "she's in good hands we might as well finish the round.

After they finished the husband drove to the hospital to check on is wife

The doctor said "she's a little groggy from the head injury but she's going to be ok. We also had to operate to remove a golf ball from her rectum. Do you know how it might have gotten there"?

The husband said " that was my mulligan".

[340pd]

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading
when the

wife

looks over at him and asks the question.



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married

again?"



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do."


>
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"



HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."

>
>
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"



HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."



WIFE: - silence -



HUSBAND: " . . ****."

[Tinman507]

[muggsy]

When I'm not shooting targets, varmints or game, I'm shooting in the mid eighties at the local Muni. Women used to be a part of the mix, but since my operation I only shoot blanks.

[OldLincoln]

Why Muggsy, you were shooting women in their 80's on the golf course???? Shame on you! I'm gonna tell yo mamma!!

[340pd]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope
you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

[muggsy]

When I was a ranger at the golf course a woman golfer complained about getting stung by a bee. When I asked where the bee had stung her she relpied, "Between the first and second holes." I told her that if that was the case that her stance was too wide.

[jocko]

thats a good one muggsy..

[GROTMAN]

A school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word.. p-u-t or p-u-t-t" ? She asked the instructor.

P-u-t-t- is correct ..he replied.

"P-u-t means to place a thing where you want it.

P-u-t-t means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing