I want to thank all of you for your emails!!

[jeepster09]

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY

[KoolBreeze]

Don't forget to put the hotel remote control in a baggie before using it.

[wyntrout]

We travel with Lysol spray and I use it on everything in the room! I ditch the spread AND the blanket ASAP, but Wifey likes cover because I ALWAYS turn the Air Conditioning on... even in Winter! Actually, it's fall when we go to Marion, IL, for Thanksgiving!

I really spray everything, including the headboard and tables, etc.

I've seen too many CSI programs where they have the lights off and use the blue light... DNA samples all over the place... like semen bombs used!

Wynn

[OldLincoln]

Yeah, and I remember when ignorance was bliss and I could sleep on snake infested ground, eat dog meat cooked on a stick over a fire, drink water out of the river likely downstream from the crossing out of a ladle right after a native who was chewing some narcotic plant and drooling. Never got bit or sick, but now I won't even stay at a Holiday Inn or sit on a toilet seat, open a bathroom door without a paper towel.

Ignorance really was bliss in those days and probably my immune system grew so strong that I hardly ever get sick now.

[downtownv]

Jeepster
You jerk!
I was thinking something bad happened to you at first!
Man, one of my only few friends on the forum was crashin' and burnin'....

[AIRret]

We travel with Lysol spray and I use it on everything in the room! I ditch the spread AND the blanket ASAP, but Wifey likes cover because I ALWAYS turn the Air Conditioning on... even in Winter! Actually, it's fall when we go to Marion, IL, for Thanksgiving!

I really spray everything, including the headboard and tables, etc.

I've seen too many CSI programs where they have the lights off and use the blue light... DNA samples all over the place... like semen bombs used!

Wynn

ditto:

[jocko]

all this abouve stuff is pure B.S. If u ived the good like of OL Jocko, u don't need any of that lipsol stuff or tulit covers. clean up ur act, live a clean and vociferous life...



It is whatit is, go to a hospital, and get a staff infection--how did that happen in sucha cleqan and steril place???.

Meca jsa Psalm 2-9-33. He who screws in the dark never recognizes the slut in daylight

[Tinman507]

Anyone have a clue about what he just said?

[jocko]

wrong meds today, I took my dogs heartworm pills ..

[Tinman507]

Oh I understand.
So when you're done doing the assdrag across the carpet, could you interpret that?

[jocko]

yup

Oh I understand.
So when you're done doing the assdrag across the carpet, could you interpret that?

wereout of tulip paper!!

[melissa5]

Thank you SO much, jeepster. Now, I have a LOT to think about.

[JFootin]

You guys are a riot!!!

[getsome]

I think he said he wanted some lipsol and a twolip cover, I'm not even goin there!!!

[ptoemmes]

We are brave enough to venture out to eat - once in a while.

But my wife has started to want the "server" to bring her the doggie bag instead of them taking the food and bagging it. On server said he was offended.

I suppose that makes sense, but if you are afraid someone will pee in your leftovers (the dog won't care) then why wouldn't they pee in your main course before serving it.

Hmmm...that's it. No more eating out.