November's Nefarious Number of Neglected Notions

[jeepster09]

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck."

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.

"Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all." Saint Peter replied.

The three men looked at each other, shrugged, and entered heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks.

Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman. Without a word, he shackled the hag to the man that stepped on the duck and left.

The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried their best, one of them eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a huge amazonian woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left.

The final man treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached the man with a beautiful woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left without a word.

Jocko was so delighted he audibly said to himself, "What did I do to deserve this?"

The woman replied, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck."

[GROTMAN]

GOOD ONE!!

[RevRay]

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Translation ... that was really funny ... I'll have to remember that one. Though, to be fair, some of it gets lost in the translation.

[muggsy]

That one really quacked me up! (Well, somebody had to say it.)

[OldLincoln]

[Armybrat]

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies,
while undergarments for old people are called Depends:

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

That's a classic!

[LorenzoB]

November's Nefarious Number of Neglected Notions

Well, good news, I met with the doctor today and he said the tumor was benign. I got the bandages off and the drain tube out. I look pretty beat up, but I can tell I will recover just fine. Tomorrow we will drive an hour to meet a friend in Santa Barbara. Then the next day is a 7 hour drive back toward Sacramento (that will be rough).

[MikeyKahr]

Re: November's Nefarious Number of Neglected Notions

Great to hear, get some rest!

[jocko]

I will cover for u hear lorenzo while ur recovering.

[Bawanna]

Pictures didn't copy but the words will make your sides hurt.

Ignorance of a government department



Look at the 2 pictures; then scroll down This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is Hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter….



This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr..Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.





These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[jocko]

why would u have expectred any different kind of reply, after all these are goverhment officials. Thereis a reason u know why all goverment doors are automatic openings when they get close to the door. In the real world it would be called supidity but i their world it is called a necessity.

[DeaconKC]

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?”

The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.”

[RevRay]

Just got home an hour ago with my wife. The surgery to repair her broken ankle went fine, and now the long road to recovery begins. Lord willing she'll be back on her feet by New Years.

[wyntrout]

Good news, Ray. I wish her a speedy recovery and y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Wifey's sister and her two grown children left us yesterday before daylight, after a nice visit of 10 days and 4 of those I was home alone... not wanting to stand in lines for 4 days with them at Disney World!

We're looking forward to Thursday and the traditional release of the New Wine in France and all over the world... Beaujolais Nouveau! We try as many as we can find and then stoke one 60-bottle cooler with just those to make them last longer. It's not bottled for longevity or "vintage". YUM!

Wynn

[wyntrout]

And Lorenzo, I didn't mean to neglect you. I hope you get home safely and your recovery is swift. Y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving, too!

Wynn