January's Jangle Jawing Juxtaposition Jamboree

[GROTMAN]

So.. ran into Bawanna working out the other day..

[Bawanna]

Yup, that's me kind of sorta a little bit slight resemblance 30 years ago maybe.

Cool looking chair. Wonder what brand that is that can lift a man like that.

[jeepster09]

today......

[Bawanna]

Damn, I'm gonna start looking for drones. There's folks watching me all the time.

[GROTMAN]

Some of Confucius's lesser known sayings..

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[DeaconKC]

"Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time"

[GROTMAN]

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that
I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next
room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest."

[TucsonMTB]

Jamaican Bobsled Team going to Sochi Olympics

Jamaican Bobsled Team Accepts Invitation To Sochi Olympics Amid Offers Of Financial Support



http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=ZLQkCemE_Xs

Oh, and . . . Mr. Surveyor, check your PM's, please.

[mr surveyor]

All I can see on Tucson's post is a big white box with the circle and slash in the upper left corner.... I've seen this on several forums in the past week, and in every case it seems to disable my scroll wheel on the mouse..... but only in that thread.

What's up with that?

[mr surveyor]

I can follow the linkie (even though it is to the huffpuffpost), but my scrollie is still disabled.

I just looked at a post on one of our state specific gun forums, and any thread that has the pic's that I can't seem to see tend to lock up the scrollie thingie.

This just in the last week or so.

[TucsonMTB]

I can follow the linkie . . . but . . .

Check your PM's, sir.

[jeepster09]

Where can I shop now.....

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

[GROTMAN]

Thought all of you who served might enjoy this.
THE FINAL
INSPECTION

The Soldier stood and faced God,
Which must
always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as
brightly as his brass.
'Step forward now, Soldier,
How shall I deal
with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have
you been true?'

The
soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'no, Lord, I guess I
ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a
saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my
talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world
is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to
keep.
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills just got too
steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at
times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept
unmanly tears.

I know
I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me
around,
Except to calm their fears
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't
be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you
don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the
throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Soldier waited
quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
'Step forward now, you Soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.


Walk
peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in
Hell.'
~Author Unknown~

[jeepster09]

Ole and Sven are out ice fishing on a frozen Minnesota lake. Ole knocks on Sven's ice house door, sticks his head in, and says, "Hey, Sven, have ya got a light for my cigar? I forgot my matches."

Sven pulls out a huge, foot long butane lighter out of his tackle box and lights up Ole's cigar. Ole exclaims, "Holy cow, Sven, dat dere is some big lighter! Vere did ya get dat?"

Sven replies, "I got it from da ice genie. He lives under da ice. He will grant ya one vish if you ask."

So Ole goes back to his ice house, and hollers down the hole for the ice genie. Sure enough, up he pops, and says, "I vill give ya one vish." So Ole says, "I'd like ta have a million bucks."

Just like that, the sky is filled with a million ducks. Ole goes back over to Sven's house and asks, "Vats da deal, Sven? I asked for a million bucks, and instead got a million ducks!"

Sven replies, "Vell, doncha know, Ole, ven he pops up into your fish house, his ears are full of water, so he don't hear so good."

Ole thinks for a second, and then asks, "So, I don't suppose ya really asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

[jeepster09]

Ole Jocko walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Indiana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells old Jocko to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, Jocko tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.