November Humor

[Bawanna]

Damn getsome, that one hit kind of close to home for me. Huh?

[muggsy]

Guys, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I went out to a bar and way too much to drink. Realizing that I was over the legal limit I had the good sense to take a bus home from the bar. I arrived home safely feeling all warm and fuzzy which is a miracle, because I had never driven a bus before in my entire life.

[berettabone]

That alcohol must have altered your reality........................................... ......................................

[OldLincoln]

Okay, not a qualified funny, but so darn sweet that I can't help myself. My son and family are the closest I've ever seen. I'd like to take credit but all we did is try to love and protect him and instill values and traditions. He has 2 sons and a daughter who have all excelled and become examples to others. The daughter is a freshman in college, the middle boy a Sophmore in High School (ans class pres - again) and the yougun 8th grade. They have always been best friends and hung together when nearby. They all have quick tongues and quip at each other. Their skin is tough and they see the humor in both giving and taking. Now you know the back story.

They came over for dinner last Sunday and we celebrated the boys birthday months apart but we don't celebrate on the day. We gave the youngest a gift certificate for Sports Authority. He showed the daughter what he got and said "I'm going to get a frisbe." The daughter replied "Get a boomerang so nobody has to play with you." The entire table split a seem and took a few minutes to breath again. I'm sharing because it's one of those special moments I'll always remember. Hope you enjoyed too.

[wyntrout]

Subject: Funnies !



I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers, so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely
spoiled our 10th anniversary.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question
- Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the
driveway.

[DeaconKC]

Two older couples are having lunch together and the guys are gabbing. One tells the other "Man, we went to a great new restaurant last week. Excellent food, the service was great and really good prices." His buddy asks "What's the name of the place?"The other guy stops and then says "What's the name of that flower that you give someone you love, that has thorns?" "A rose" "Thanks, hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"

[wyntrout]

Dang! I forgot to warn Jocko not to look!

[340pd]

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago . The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[SlowBurn]

Obama and Putin touring a sheep ranch see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. Obama says, "What should we do?"
Putin says "I show you." He walks up behind the sheep, drops his pants, and has his way with it then backs off and turns to Obama and says "See? Your turn now"
Obama says "Okay," walks up, and sticks his head in the fence.

[muggsy]

Old Jocko is gonna love that one.

[jocko]

Dang! I forgot to warn Jocko not to look!

damn, t seems we always have to bring sheep into any post. They have feelngs to, u know. Just sayin

[jocko]

ol jocko might have tohave knee surgery, I sent the xrays to bawana and muggsy for a professional opinion, as I trust their judgement. So far Ihave not heard back from them. I would post the xray but I don't know how as I would love the form feedback as I know uguys are allconcerned about my health. Just sayin

[Bawanna]

I'd say amputation of your third leg would solve a lot of issues. Just sayin.

Heck we could get you a new handle too. "Stumpy".

[GROTMAN]

ol jocko might have tohave knee surgery, I sent the xrays to bawana and muggsy for a professional opinion, as I trust their judgement. So far Ihave not heard back from them. I would post the xray but I don't know how as I would love the form feedback as I know uguys are allconcerned about my health. Just sayin

Haven't seen the x rays but if you do need surgery I would highly recommend my doc.. did this for me.

[CJB]

Them gams are wound tighter than Aunt Bees doo!