September's satirical silliness

[Bills1873]

[wyntrout]

Technique Is Everything!





When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.


Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

Here she said, pointing between her legs, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[wyntrout]

This Man’s Wife Wouldn’t Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?



Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.



“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”



“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, "Guess who?”‘ I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she’s been reading ’50 Shades of Grey’….



On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.



And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’



So, boys, here I am!

[Bills1873]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" his father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men just got up and walked out of the plane!"

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Not then. He tried to push me out, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master, who is a great big guy about six-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said 'No, Sir, I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his manhood out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your arse."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first."

[CJB]

Way to go PonyGirl!

[CJB]

And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’

That, Sir, is a life lesson if there ever was one!

[Bills1873]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for an afternoon flight on a small plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they better jump, then bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes left. The doctor grabbed one saying "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father, the 'smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my backpack!"

[Bawanna]

Oh my I love that one to pieces.

Sorry O'Dell nothing personal.

[CJB]

Two visitors to NYC from Russia spent almost all their money fooling around and were down to their last five dollars.
Sergei says to Yuri, "Only five bucks left and I still want to have fun and enjoy. What can we do?"
Yuri takes the $5 into a drug store and comes out a minute later, smiling smugly.
"What you buy?"
Yuri proudly shows Sergei a small box of tampons.
"Tampons! What we do with that?"
"Aha!" answers Yuri. "Look at box: I can ride bicycle, I can go swimming, I can play tennis..."

[lee1000]

"An open letter to my wife - a Gun Owning Husband Tells All”



It's time to come clean.

Ok. I've got few things to get off my chest regarding marriage and
firearms.

Honey, I've been purchasing guns behind your back for the last 20 years.

The reason that I've never thrown out that rusty toolbox in the basement
isn't really because I can't get a few guys to help me move it, the
truth is its a safe and loaded with desiccant and pistols.

That pile of odd bits of wood and tinder next to my workshop is actually
scrap wood sitting on a crate of Mosins I got on sale.

The box labeled 'Deere Mower Parts #xxxxx' on it in the garage...is
filled with revolvers and a 1903 Springfield.

Even though you've managed to fit a globe on that stand in the living
room, its really the tripod for a 1919a4.

The ladder to the Attic does work, I just didn't want you and the kids
in the reloading room.

Despite coming home each year with a winning shotgun from a local
raffle...there have been no raffles, I still have the worst luck on the
planet, but man if I don't get lucky with some great deals!

That cricket training rifle I got for the kids for $50 at a yard sale is
actually a custom Remington 700 worth near $2,000.

I've been dishonest about my revolvers as well when I tell you its the
same gun whenever you catch me in the house with one. Honey, please
don't be pissed, but there are actually over 90.

When I told you I had a stamp collection in the downstairs safe, I
wasn't being dishonest, the reason you can't go into that safe has
nothing to do with a faulty lock, it's because that safe is filled to
the iron seams with NFA items.

That 'Well Drilling Cessation' tool and drill set is actually a Barrett
821A.

The giant pipe that sits between our cars, has nothing to do with the
time or expense needed to replace the sewer line; its a Dutch Bronze
Field Cannon. The hay wagon for the kids is actually the base for the
cart.

Those metal balls are not the base for a rock wall but are instead the
shot balls for the cannon.

Those rods on the second workbench are not for a pipe organ project,
they are rifle barrels.

The ammo cans in the basement are actually....filled with ammo.

The hallway closet door hasn't been stuck, the door was keyed with the
lock cylinder at the baseboard. Its the ammo closet.

Home Depot doesn't really sell sets of odd sized pipe cleaners, you've
been using my shotgun and pistol cleaning brushes.

That antique candy dispenser that I'm to restore is actually a reloading
press.

I haven't really had a hankering for Jello or Gelatin, I've been making
ballistics gel.

Bird watching monoculars...yeah....I'm on my 5th spotting scope.

Thanks for putting up with the misshapen sculptures I've been working
on. The art work is horrid, but the bullet casting process is now down
to a science.

This one is a win/win because we got cable and the outdoor life network
channel, but the reason the den used to get horrid reception was because
those weren't rabbit ears atop the tv set, it was my chronograph.

You can stop calling James trying to figure out how or why we took a hit
on the commodities market earlier last year, the commodities were brass
and I brought a hell of a lot of it.

I know you are wondering with my bad knees how I plan on getting into
Badminton, one more confession: Those are shotgun wads.

I've never actually attended a Regional Sales conference each January,
I've been at the SHOT Show...its a support group. Honest.

[getsome]

Welcome to the club lee1000 I like your style!.....good one!!!.....By the way, if it doesn't work out with the wife, I'm always available......

[wyntrout]

Sniffer Dog




A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[GROTMAN]

[kenemoore]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of grass sod turf.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[kenemoore]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".