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January Jocularity

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  • January Jocularity

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
    So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
    And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
    Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

    Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    A man can never have too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition
    -Rudyard Kipling

  • #2
    Nice Beaver!

    Nice Beaver!
    Attached Files
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

    Comment


    • #3
      Back up alarm....

      I’ll bet you appreciate the back-up-sensor in your car. Therefore, I thought you might enjoy knowing a little history of its invention.
      Read below:

      Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.
      Who invented the backup sensor? I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler, No, then how about Mercedes Benz?
      Or possibly the French or Italians.No! It was a Chinese farmer!
      Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.
      It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.
      His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch sound just before the vehicle backs into something.
      Here's his first prototype...
      "Life Member NRA"
      I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

      Comment


      • #4
        Damn I could feed the whole neighborhood Appalachian Oysters with that set!

        Comment


        • #5
          Shoot or don't shoot?

          A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

          While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

          For $100, the cabby agrees.

          Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

          The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

          The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

          "HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".

          "HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."

          "HE paid for your Football season tickets.."

          "HE paid for our house at the lake."

          "HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."

          "HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."

          "And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

          Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

          The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold"
          "Life Member NRA"
          I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

          Comment


          • #6
            "Life Member NRA"
            I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

            Comment


            • #7
              How the wheel was invented.....NOT

              https://www.dropbox.com/s/aso8okwlsm...Great.mp4?dl=0
              "Life Member NRA"
              I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

              Comment


              • #8
                A man's got to have priorities.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Last night I heard a guy at the bar talking with his nephew. He told him about the dog that never looked as he crossed the railroad track. As the locomotive sped by it nipped the end of its tail. The dog turned to check out what happened and the wheel of the boxcar caught him by the neck. His point: If you're not careful, you can lose your head while looking for a little piece of tail.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Refrigerator shoots back....

                    https://78.media.tumblr.com/515415ae...frjoo1_400.gif
                    "Life Member NRA"
                    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      That's good! I'll be that guy swears off shooting refrigerators ever again.
                      http://bawanna45.wix.com/bawannas-grip-emporium#!
                      In Memory of Paul "Dietrich" Stines.
                      Dad: Say something nice to your cousin Shirley
                      Dietrich: For a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
                      Cue sound of Head slap.

                      RIP Muggsy & TMan

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I thought this was funny.

                        The Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix.

                        https://youtu.be/vwbKYcBdVyk
                        The only thing better than having all the guns and ammo you'd ever need would be being able to shoot it all off the back porch.

                        Want to see what will be the end of our country as we know it???
                        Visit here:
                        http://www.usdebtclock.org/

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You a pilot?

                          You a Pilot?

                          You have lived to be damn near 80, and think you know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell

                          An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,
                          still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

                          As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

                          She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

                          The two sat sipping in silence.

                          A few minutes later, a young man sat down on the other side
                          of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

                          He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
                          "Life Member NRA"
                          I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Oh you killed me with that one Jeepster. I just found out I'm a lesbian too. Who knew?
                            http://bawanna45.wix.com/bawannas-grip-emporium#!
                            In Memory of Paul "Dietrich" Stines.
                            Dad: Say something nice to your cousin Shirley
                            Dietrich: For a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
                            Cue sound of Head slap.

                            RIP Muggsy & TMan

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Jeepster, that was great. Almost snorted my coffee.
                              NRA Benefactor

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