January Jollies

[340pd]

340pd to nurse, "When I give blood I don't extract it myself, I expect the nurse to do it for me."

Nurse back to 340pd, "I understand sir but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way."

[jeepster09]

You know you're an EXTREME redneck When...

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Not to be Judgemental but . . .

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. Popping the hood involves removing at least two bungee cords

[CPTKILLER]

That could fit some counties here in Texas.

[kenemoore]

How do you know your daughter's a redneck?
When she says " Get off me Daddy, you're breaking my cigarettes".

[jeepster09]

Oldie but goodie...


Bear and rabbit talk

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A bear was taking a dump when a rabbit passed by.
"Hello Mr Rabbit!" Says the bear.
"Hello to you as well Mr Bear."
" Can I ask you a question Mr Rabbit?" Says the bear.
The rabbit says, "Sure. What's up?"
The bear asks, "Does poo stick to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear picks him up and wipes his butt with him.

[getsome]

A guy walks up to a bar and sits down on a stool next to a blond...On the TV set behind the bar the 6:00 news was on with a story about a man standing on a high rise window ledge threatening to jump so the guy says to the blond, I bet you 20 bucks he jumps and she says oh God no I can't bet on a thing like that but he keeps on at her and finally she says ok and lays a 20 on top of his....A couple minutes later the jumper takes a leap off the building to his death...The blond sadly says well I guess you win and hands over the money but the guy says, look I can't take your money because I saw the same story on the 5:00 news and I knew all along he was going to jump and the blond says, I saw it too but I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.........

[berettabone]

A guy walks up to a bar and sits down on a stool next to a blond...On the TV set behind the bar the 6:00 news was on with a story about a man standing on a high rise window ledge threatening to jump so the guy says to the blond, I bet you 20 bucks he jumps and she says oh God no I can't bet on a thing like that but he keeps on at her and finally she says ok and lays a 20 on top of his....A couple minutes later the jumper takes a leap off the building to his death...The blond sadly says well I guess you win and hands over the money but the guy says, look I can't take your money because I saw the same story on the 5:00 news and I knew all along he was going to jump and the blond says, I saw it too but I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.........

[jeepster09]

2 Medical Students......

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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

[jeepster09]

A young Attorney with the Edinburgh Prosecutor's office was having trouble launching his career, losing every case he tried. Eventually a case came up which the chief Prosecutor felt the lad could not lose so assigned it to him. It involved a bestiality charge against a sheep farmer near a remote Scottish village. The trial was to take place in the village courthouse with 12 local jurors.

The trial seemed to go well for the young Prosecutor, and near the end of his examination of the accused he asked,,, "and what was the reaction of this innocent dumb animal to your vile attentions sir" ? To this the farmer replied; "well it turned and licked my face".

"Did you hear that" !! Blurted the young Attorney to the jury. "The accused would have us believe that, after the assault, the sheep actually licked his face". Jocko then leaned over the rail, addressing the young Attorney, saying ,,, "Aye laddy, they'll do that you know".

[340pd]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds People move out of the way much faster now.

[wyntrout]

A practical answer!

[AIRret]

Jeepster, your BAD (but good...figure that one out)...........
I'm surprised Bawanna hasn't given you some demerits!

[Bawanna]

What he do, what he do? I hereby grant you the power to issue demerits.

[kenemoore]

Did you hear about the medical student who wanted to take the circumcision course?
Yeah,,,,he missed the cutoff date..

[jeepster09]

Be caareful how you treat cats.....

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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?”