Want to teach a life lesson....

[yqtszhj]

I need some ideas on a situation with one of my kids. I want to try and teach him something. I figure some of the good folks here may me able to help me out.

Please bear with me if this goes long and I’ll try to be brief but you’ll need some background, description of him, my general philosophy, and then my question at the end.

My philosophy to my kids:
We all get along, laugh, have fun, don’t argue, but I can be really tough and set high expectations, can’t stand laziness or lack of studying. There is also no entitlement in this house, many things are earned in one way or another and don’t tell me that you can’t do something when I know the real issue is your priorities are not correct and adjustment to the priorities will enable you to succeed.

Son: generally a good kid, hasn’t been in trouble, graduated high school, doesn’t want to attend college, and is entering the military in 2 months. He has some entitlement attitude (my friends don’t have to work like I do their parents just give them money, I’m so mistreated. Poor me.) Makes me crazy. :32:

Situation: Son has been driving one of my older cars for the past year. He has been shown how to check the oil, coolant, etc… I got in the car a few weeks ago and the change oil soon light and LOW ENGINE OIL light is on. I asked him how long has that low oil light been on? He said a few weeks and he hasn’t checked it!!!!! I gave him a lecture on what the idiot lights are for in the car and what to do for each one. I get a call the other day from him that the car is broken down. I get there and there is no coolant, he drove it HOT with the high temp light on until the engine seized. Yeah, there was a problem with the car but if he had stopped when it got hot the engine wouldn’t be shot. I was going to sell the car in 2 months anyway but this leads to my question.



Question: I want to teach him a lesson and I have a few ideas. What do you all think?

• Tell him he’s out of luck now because he has nothing to drive. I sell it to the junk yard.
• Tell him that I am not fixing the car and sell it to the junkyard and on RARE occasions with permission he can drive one of my other cars.
• Tell him that if he wants to drive he has to have skin in the game and pay part of the $1200 repair bill then I’m selling it when he leaves. (I would almost rather cut my losses rather than fixing it.)
• Fix it so he can drive it can maybe sell it for a few more dollars when he leaves (I really don’t like this idea at all.)

I welcome any suggestions from those with kids that have gone through this. Thanks

[crazymailman]

My daughter will be a senior this year, so I have an idea of your situation. What we did was to have her pay a portion of her first car. Out of your options, I like one and three. The first, because he knew better and had ignored the warning lights. The third because if he has money in it, he will treat it differently. I think that, if it were me and Daddy's girl, I would probably do #3.

[OldLincoln]

I'd go for #2. He screwed up and obviously doesn't understand the consequences theory. It's a long term hard lesson to teach/learn and you won't begin to touch it in 2 months. However, he WILL learn in beginning in 2 months and you won't be the bad guy. If you get through the next 2 months with a strong relationship it will be 1000% stronger once he gets through boot camp and the lights go on. If he leaves with a bad taste in his mouth it could be worse.

In the meantime, when he grumbles about not having a car, tell him you understand and are really sorry he didn't do what he should have. Life would be better for everybody had he checked the oil and water. But he didn't and the car is broken. In other words, don't take any responsibility for his errors, but don't beat him up for it either. Just keep in your mind his big life lesson is only a few weeks away.

Raising a son (didn't have a girl) is difficult on both of you. When my son was a teenager I'd tell him "Being a teenager is very difficult. The only thing harder than being a teenager is being the parent of one. I'm doing the best I can and when you have kids you can correct my mistakes." He respected that and now that he has one he understands.

When my son talked to me about moving out after high school, I told him I understood and that it might be a good experience. I encouraged him to treat it as a trial run and he was welcome back. He made it a few months then came home a different person. He loved me more than ever and told me he didn't know how I stood his attitude and actions. He even said "Why didn't you kick me out?" I told him his actions and attitude were part of God's plan for preparing to leave the nest. That I was proud of him for his growing up during the time apart. Now I hear echos of the things I told him when he talks to his kids.

The trick is being firm enough to teach without driving them to away or to do something stupid. Example, my granddaughter inherited my wife's lateness gene. When she missed the bus (both parents work) in teaching her consequences he was going to keep her home and not let her make up assignments. I told him that would drive her to walk to school and the pervert patrol might grab her. He backed off a notch and found another way to teach consequences. So even as parents we have consequences even when teaching our kids about consequences.

Just keep in mind his day is coming very soon, love him like crazy because you WILL miss him and you want to keep that relationship strong as you number 1 priority.

[O'Dell]

Sorry, but I have to go with number 1. The sooner he learns to take responsibility for his actions the better.

Short story. When I was divorced we got joint child custody, but I was transferred by GM from Kentucky to Georgia. My ex was worth millions, so she decided to hide my son away in private schools. I found him ten years later when he was 16 and brought him to Atlanta. He had graduated high school, so I put him in college immediately, but he also wanted to work full time, and needed transportation. He wanted a motorcycle, and I couldn't complain since I had one. I bought him a Yamaha RD400 for $800, but he insisted on a sales contract for the money. He paid back every penny over a year. I claim no credit since I had been out of his life for 10 years, but evidently those schools had taught him responsibility, and I will always be grateful.

[OldLincoln]

That's what the military will do for him, like the schools did for you. Don't make him hate you just before he leaves. There's a lot of road to cover before it's over.

[O'Dell]

That's what the military will do for him, like the schools did for you. Don't make him hate you just before he leaves. There's a lot of road to cover before it's over.

You're right Lincoln - I'm changing my vote to # 2.

[yqtszhj]

Thanks to all so far. I've been trying to keep a calm head the last 6 months for that very reason while still holding my ground. Not the commander that I have been in years past.

My oldest son in in the military and now he is sound and clear thinking. not as wishy washy as in the past. My youngest son is going to have his awakening in the next months. Hopefully he will learn from it too. I think I'll give him the option of #2 as it works for me a times or #3 if he wants to pay the whole thing. Up to him and let him take the responsibility.

[Tilos]

yqtszhj:
When you or I ignore stuff until something bad happens, the consequences are immediate, and should be for him too.
I've told my son many times if he ignores something, his options will dwindle to zero.
Then someone else or an event will decide HIS fate, over which he will have NO control.
A hard leason to learn and many adults I know don't ever get it.

My son woke up when I stopped reaching for my wallet and paying for his mistakes.
YMMV,
Tilos

[yqtszhj]

yqtszhj:
My son woke up when I stopped reaching for my wallet and paying for his mistakes.
YMMV,
Tilos

Yeah buddy. If they wanted to drive they have to buy gas, tires, insurance, etc..., etc..., etc... Dad don't buy those things. Or cell phones either.

[melissa5]

#3 or you could co-sign on a car that he is able to afford on his military salary. That would be a nice going-away present and give him incentive to make it through basic training. Plus, you won't have to worry about fixing the broken car and then selling it. Or is that too much like rewarding him for breaking your car?

[Thunder71]

Fix it together, a little father and son project. You buy the parts, he supplies helpful labor, you both gain some valuable time together and he learns how things work and why things like oil and coolant are so important.

You can teach a kid to fish... etc.

[melissa5]

Fix it together, a little father and son project. You buy the parts, he supplies helpful labor, you both gain some valuable time together and he learns how things work and why things like oil and coolant are so important.

You can teach a kid to fish... etc.

Winner!

[O'Dell]

#3 or you could co-sign on a car that he is able to afford on his military salary. That would be a nice going-away present and give him incentive to make it through basic training. Plus, you won't have to worry about fixing the broken car and then selling it. Or is that too much like rewarding him for breaking your car?

He probably won't need a car after he goes in. I bought a car 6 months before I was able to drive it at 16. Then 3 months later I went into the Navy, and the car basically sat for years, while I was hundreds of miles away going to school and flight training. Then I got shipped off to the Med and later Southeast Asia, so I got a total of three months use of it.

[O'Dell]

Fix it together, a little father and son project. You buy the parts, he supplies helpful labor, you both gain some valuable time together and he learns how things work and why things like oil and coolant are so important.

You can teach a kid to fish... etc.

Unless you're a trained mechanic, repairing a seized engine that has been overheated and run w/o oil is more than a home 'do it yourself' project. You're talking at least head gaskets, and probably pistons or rings, valves, cam, and main bearings. In other words a complete rebuild. It would be a nice lesson learning project, but would it be feasible.

[yqtszhj]

Thanks all for the suggestions. Unfortunately I work for a major communications company and am on call day and night so an engine replacement wouldn't quite fit into the schedule, although I would love that excuse to buy some more tools .

He wants to save his money for a few years after going in to buy somtehing and likely won't be around to drive a car for a few years anyway.

I gave him option 2 or 3. Told him I'll split the repair if he picks option 3 and then I'll sell it later which will mean he has to work right up until he heads to basic. No vacation. Let him decide.

Most important thing is he learns a life lesson.