APRIL.... Who Could Forget April????

[jocko]

my jokes are normallky unpriteable!!

[GROTMAN]

This goes against ALL my good judgment to post this. . BUT speaking of monkey butt.

An elderly man who was very hard of hearing went to his drs for a physical.
After the usual testing the dr told him everthing looked fine so far ..but I'm going to need a sample of your urine,feces and blood. The old man couldn't hear him very good and said what? The doctor said again. I'm going to need a sample of your urine,feces and blood. The old man turned to his wife and said I can't hear him..What did he say?

The wife responded..he needs to see your underwear.

[muggsy]

Last week I had to go in for an upper and lower GI. I told the doctor that what ever he did not to get the two tubes mixed up. He told me that I'd be asleep for the test and that I wouldn't know the difference. And I told him, "Yeah, but if I wake up with a crappy taste in my mouth you're in big trouble."

[Tinman507]

[wyntrout]

This guy nails it!

Wynn

[wyntrout]

Need some DRAMA?

http://www.atissuejournal.com/2012/0...elgium-square/

Wynn

[JFootin]

lol!

[JFootin]

Garfield on the Oil Crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~

Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC!!!

Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.

[jeepster09]

My Daughter walked into the family living room last night and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition,
rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV,
IPhone, IPod, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the
Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front
door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me
and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your
will and leave my share to any one that wants it."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, She actually said ...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Muhammed. We're going to work together
on President Obama's reelection campaign.

[jeepster09]

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, ‘You're next, Chubby’.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[Tinman507]

Good one!!

[downtownv]

The trees are blooming and the birds are chirping. The best part of April is that summer is right around the corner and The beach is calling me!
Happy birthday, Mom

[OldLincoln]

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I
can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and
daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning
teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and
Shari'a law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let
Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques
and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,
UK , America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to
fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other
Arab country to teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.

[JFootin]

Snopes.com says this is incorrectly attributed to Bill Cosby.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/imtired.asp

[JFootin]

Bawanna, I know you're going to have to get one of these!