October’s Omnibus Organization of Outstanding Out of the Ordinary Opinions

[GROTMAN]

Dang it I'm getting a chubby.

Where's the Double Black someone mentioned.

Makes me want some.

Van's going in for at tranny fluid / filter change tomorrow, if that cures its ailments I'm definitely gonna get me some maybe even black or green.

Wife is leaving me for a week on Sunday, might need it for medicinal purposes.

She'll also be more than 300 miles away so I'm legally separated in case anybody wants to have an affair.

With all that new facial hair you might want to give fair warning if your have that affair. Maybe something along the lines of this..

[OldLincoln]

Things I've Learned In The South

A possum is a flat animal that

sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and

4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders.

All 10,000 of them live in the South,

plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya.

If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart,

it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go

to the bathroom?

People actually grow,

eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word.

It means

I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch.

There is only dinner and then

there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals

and you start drinking it when you're two.

We do like a little tea with our sugar.

It is referred to as

the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know

everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning,

'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch,

because it doesn't matter what time it is,

you work until you're done or

it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons,

you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular.

All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are

named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,

insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car,

for your OWN car.
Why else would you carry them?

The local papers cover national and

international news on one page, but

require 6 pages for

local high school sports,

the motor sports, and gossip.

Don't forget the obits.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar,

Miss (first name) or Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season

is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is.

And you know how to pitch one.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang

Driver's Ed. If our mama says

we can drive, we can drive!!!

[wyntrout]

Must have been a danged Yankee... "y'all" is the proper spelling... contraction of you and all.

Just got this:


Top 10 Country Western Songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.


Wynn

[getsome]

You forgot my personal Country favorite: I can't get over you till you get out from under him....

Now understand we don't hate Yankees down here in the south, we love them!!!...In fact this is our favorite time for Yankee visitors as gun season opened last weekend and goes on until mid January and there's no limit on carpetbaggers....

Now you made fun of our state animal the Possum so here are some interesting facts about our beloved critter...

They are very clean and groom themselves much like a cat and make great pets if you get one when it's a baby....I had one that had lost one front paw when it's mother was hit by a car and named it Tripod...

They are immune to rabies
They are immune to rattlesnake, cottonmouth and pit viper bites and eat snakes when they can...
They are as old as the dinosaur and are mostly unchanged for millions of years
They are North America's only marsupial
They have more teeth (50) than any other mammal
They have opposable thumbs on their hind paws very much like a human hand and can climb anything
Males have a forked peni$
They are very smart, even more than dogs and can be trained very easily
They can't see for squat so they get hit by cars a lot but their sense of smell is even better than a bloodhound
The female has 13 teets in her pouch in a circle and the young crawl into and attach themselves and don't let go until they can eat on their own...If more than 13 are born in a liter then the last ones out starve...
Last but not least, if you pen one up and feed it corn for 6 weeks to get the wild out of the meat they are very good to eat...Tastes just like chicken!!!

Y'all come on down....See ya in the woods...

[jlottmc]

I always found them to be a bit greasy. I had to get a rabies series of shots after I got bit by a possum once. It sucked, bad.

[mr surveyor]

I was 14 years old before I was told that the armadillo wasn't really our state bird

[Bawanna]

Now that must have been traumatic.

[OldLincoln]

Just a quick sip??

[muggsy]

Two more country favorites.

Take your tongue out of my mouth cause I'm kissin you good-by.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

[Bawanna]

That's the thing about my favorite country music, you can always play it backwards if you want a happy ending.

Don't get no better than that.

[RevRay]

How about ... Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Coming In.

[GROTMAN]

I believe this is another country favorite..

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

[OldLincoln]

Ole' Hank is turning over in the grave.

[GROTMAN]

One way to save on ammo..

[wyntrout]

Just a quick sip??

Oh, no! Open containers and loaded guns aren't allowed in Kommifornia!

Wynn