December's Diabolical Dissemination of Dysfunctional Diatribes

[deadeye]

Oh boy! Now you've done it! Awesome!

[jeepster09]

Jocko and his buddy were talking... one complaining about his urinary & bowel issues. Jocko told him " Every morning at 7am, I take a nice long pee. At 9am, I have a regular bowel movement. I just wish I could get out of bed before noon."...jus sayin...

[jeepster09]

One day Jocko decided to retire.....

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."


"Amazing," Jocko notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus Tree"

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Jocko is stunned!

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house....

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels ?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
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"You've built a Harley?”

[jeepster09]

Notice Bawanna got at work.....

OLDER EMPLOYEE NOTICE!

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
for the Shaft program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of sh!t they give to our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

Sincerely,


Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. :40:

[bob98366]

Today's History Lesson

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this:


In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


Don't thank me. I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.

[GROTMAN]

JOCKO FAN ?

[jocko]

isn't she sexy in my "jocko" T


Just sayin

[GROTMAN]

1: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
- His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes

2: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
- It stands between him and the First

3: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
- A job interview

4: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
- One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society ... the other is for prisoners

5: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
- The pizza can feed a family of four

6: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?
- A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African

7: If Pelosi, DiFi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
- America!

8: What do you call the US after six years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
- An Obama-nation

9: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
- Hitler wrote his own book

10: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
- Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country

11: Why doesn't Obama pray?
- It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed

[Armybrat]

Some fella from the State of Washington posted this beautiful picture on The High Road forum....

[Tinman507]

Why older men don't get hired

WHY OLDER MEN DON'T GET HIRED

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think."

[Bawanna]

Amen to that tinman. Probably why I'm on the shortlist around here too.

I have to quit using that line 100 times a day around here if I want to be around much longer.

Sometimes the truth is painful for the weak violets.

[MW surveyor]

Sometimes the truth is painful for the weak violets.

Remember, every one now is their own special snowflake.

[Bawanna]

I'm having an extremely violet downer day, cut me some slack dad.

They are outdoing themselves today.

[MW surveyor]

You need to be like the sun to those violet snowflakes and burn their a$$e$.

[getsome]

Bang Zoom all the way to the moon Alice, I mean Violet...