Mays Mayhem and Malarkey

[muggsy]

Who knew that gardening could be as much fun as herding sheep. Well, that's it for me. I've finally hit bottom.

[yqtszhj]

Oh my!

No worry, the front row guy second from the left is about to shoot the sniper in the butt w/ the AR.

[RevRay]

I'm about to finish up 8 hours of volunteering for the Rockville Fish & Game Club's Ladies' Range Day. As a new member I have to put in 24 hours of volunteer work in my first 2 years if I want my membership renewed. So far I've totaled 14 hours, so I'm off to a good start. The day for the ladies has been a great way to introduce them to pistols, rifles, fishing, archery, trap, skeet, etc. We had about 110 come out all together. P.S. I didn't win the raffle for the Colt .380 ... I never win anything.

[AIRret]

I'm about to finish up 8 hours of volunteering for the Rockville Fish & Game Club's Ladies' Range Day. As a new member I have to put in 24 hours of volunteer work in my first 2 years if I want my membership renewed. So far I've totaled 14 hours, so I'm off to a good start. The day for the ladies has been a great way to introduce them to pistols, rifles, fishing, archery, trap, skeet, etc. We had about 110 come out all together. P.S. I didn't win the raffle for the Colt .380 ... I never win anything.

Hey Rev….good for you, and I'm so glad you had a great turn out!!

[GROTMAN]

Blonde finally wins one, or does she ?

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple." she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

“I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

[kwh]

Blonde wins!

[jeepster09]

Missing Wife Found by Maine State Troopers


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's one trooper stated, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[jeepster09]

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in
Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards President Obama and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display,
But will go deep into their hearts
And they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied,
"I seriously doubt that!
With one little wave of your hand....show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and
knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY
and there was happiness throughout the land!

[jeepster09]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.



It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.



One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"



Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."



"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."



"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"



God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."



Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
__________________

[Southerngunner]

God Bless Cowboys.



Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'..."

[DavidS]

Way back in the early 70's I worked with my dad as a carpenter to earn college money. One day he installed some trim in an awkward corner location. I asked him how he did that.

He looked at be and said, "Boy, I taught you everything you know, but I have not taught you everything I know." Then he went back to work.

I still do not know how he did it.

[Bawanna]

I've put trim in some really awkward corners myself back in the day and to be perfectly honest, I don't know how I did it either. I used to think it was just blind hog luck and maybe it is.

Knew some damn fine finish carpenters, I never was one but I did the best I could ya know?

[DavidS]

I've put trim in some really awkward corners myself back in the day and to be perfectly honest, I don't know how I did it either. I used to think it was just blind hog luck and maybe it is.

Knew some damn fine finish carpenters, I never was one but I did the best I could ya know?

Another one to attribute to my dad:

"If rough carpenters were any good, there would be no need for finish carpenters!"

[Bawanna]

One of my favorites was why did God create Electricians and Plumbers?

Cause carpenters don't have time to do it all!

I worked with a lot of subs, sparky's and plumbers and of course I was usually on the job first and for awhile before they showed to do their thing.

On remodels wherever there were kids around I'd prep the kids and have them practice lines for when the subs showed up.

Stuff like walking up to a sparky and watching him work for a minute and then ask him, is this all you do all day is hook wires together?

Or for the plumbers they ask if today is Friday, I'd tell them when it was and when the plumber replied yeah it's Friday they'd say great, todays pay day and **** flows down hill, can I get my journey man card now, I could use the money.

Did that many many times. Gotta love kids.

[RevRay]

So today was a big day for our family. My youngest brother, Bill, who is 54, just left ICU for the first time where he had been for the last month. On April 8 he had a massive heart attack, and now he has an internal heart assist pump, which he will have for the next year or two while he waits for a heart transplant.

Then tomorrow my wife and I travel up to Maine to attend the memorial of our other brother, Joe, who died back in February of a heart attack.

I'm the oldest of five, and now there are only three of us left ... and only two of us who'll be able to be up in Maine. Like they say, getting old is not for the faint-hearted.