Judiciously Justified Jocularity, Jokes, and Jabs Just for June

[DavidS]

I have 4 year old grandsons. Ain't nothing funnier than a fart.
http://dayoopers.com/fartdefi.html

[100percent]

I like Sam Elliot

[GROTMAN]

Can any of you older guys relate to this ?

[ltxi]

No....but my wife can. :israel:

[DavidS]

Uh, oh. I just bought a pair of shorts exactly like those!

[DavidS]

[getsome]

In the news today, Pope Francis meets with Israeli President Shimon Peres and Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas for a prayer summit....

All I got to say is if these three don't go into a bar somewhere it's going to be a great loss for comedy the world over........

[Southerngunner]

And The Cowboy said Hey you gotta problem with me you S.O.B.
mime-attachment.jpg

[GROTMAN]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.





On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.



"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally
gets to sleep with my wife."



"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[Southerngunner]

Embarasing Dr. visits

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR

. I was performing rounds at the

hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' “It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,

Detroit , MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . .. . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

,

. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing

this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . .

..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . ..

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

ONE MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts

for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

[wyntrout]

HA! HA! Liked the last one best!

Wynn

[mr surveyor]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.





On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.



"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally
gets to sleep with my wife."



"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

been self employed running a small business for 31 years .... that could be me

JD

[Bawanna]

My son just texted from Kansas Missouri. He just completed and passed his last and final test to become a Railroad Engineer.

He's pretty happy. 3 weeks back there originally, then about 100 train trips with other engineers and now completed 2 final weeks to be officially certified.

The money is really good but the hours totally suck. Should improve some as he gains some seniority. Days, nights, never know when the call will come. I couldn't do it.

So if your ever in Washington, best stay off the tracks.

[Planedude]

My son just texted from Kansas Missouri. He just completed and passed his last and final test to become a Railroad Engineer.

He's pretty happy. 3 weeks back there originally, then about 100 train trips with other engineers and now completed 2 final weeks to be officially certified.

The money is really good but the hours totally suck. Should improve some as he gains some seniority. Days, nights, never know when the call will come. I couldn't do it.

So if your ever in Washington, best stay off the tracks.

My Son will finish his tech training Friday to build locomotives for GE in Fort Worth. He is really looking forward to Monday and just working on the trains instead of sitting in a classroom hearing about it.


We are so glad to get him out of the west Texas oilfields. That work paid well, but being gone 2weeks when on shift was awful. Locomotive work has him home everyday with his wife and their boys.


Guess your Son can drive what my Son builds. Maybe your right, look out world and stay off the tracks!

[DavidS]

Building trains and driving trains.
I guess little boys dreams do come true.