You can tell 'em June, but don't July (Graphic Contents)

[GROTMAN]

Speaking of fireworks...

After having their 11th child, a couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So
the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was
expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor,
was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in
a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man in the world, but I don't see how putting a
firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me.

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a
beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

[GROTMAN]

maybe this should be under the politics section ?
Butch the rooster
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records,
and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to
his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.


Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.


Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!


When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.


To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the BrisbaneCity Show
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also
awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

[DavidS]

Been on vacation so missed this when it originally aired.

"What She's Got"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWLy20skejk

[yqtszhj]

Bawanna is back to his original avatar!

[jeepster09]

So we are talking about chickens.....

[DavidS]

jeepster09 -

[dorangolv]

Been on vacation so missed this when it originally aired.

"What She's Got"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWLy20skejk

Holy crap, that was the funniest thing I've seen in years.

[muggsy]

Don't think I would like to do it ALL over again. But I wouldn't mind doing it all over again starting the day I married my wife.

Mrs. Muggsy and I just got back from our second honeymoon. Everything was the same as it was on our first honeymoon. We went to Niagara falls, had the same champagne dinner at the same hotel and stayed in the same bridal suite. The only thing that was different was that this time it was me who sat on the end of the bed crying because it was too big.

[getsome]

You're going straight to hell for that one brother man....Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, don't pick up any sun screen either, just GO!!!...

[h2ohhh]

For our 20th Anniversary I sent my wife on a trip to China. This year is my 34th. I'm bringing her back...

[knkali]

Mrs. Muggsy and I just got back from our second honeymoon. Everything was the same as it was on our first honeymoon. We went to Niagara falls, had the same champagne dinner at the same hotel and stayed in the same bridal suite. The only thing that was different was that this time it was me who sat on the end of the bed crying because it was too big.

I had to think about that one for a minute.....then I got it.....funny!

[DavidS]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[GLOCKROCKER]

That was cool David S.! Here in N. Carolina we figured out why the chicken crossed the road.....to show a possum it could be done!

[kwh]

That was cool David S.! Here in N. Carolina we figured out why the chicken crossed the road.....to show a possum it could be done!

Agree.

[Planedude]

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Soooo... yesterday after we got off work, I took the wife out. We went by the local high end department store and my wife picked out three new outfits. We then stopped at the gas station and I filled up her SUV with gas. The wife went inside to buy postage stamps and I asked her to buy me a six pack of my favorites. After mailing the bills, We got take-out so the wife wouldn't have to cook and we went home. My son met us at the truck and started telling me about the problems of his day and we walked inside together. This left my wife to haul in her new outfits and (oh horrors!) my beers. Yes, that was a distracted oversight on my part.
When the wife "struggled" through the front door, She began to loudly protest me as an inconsiderate bone head, kitchen sink a lot of other petty grievances, before finally exclaiming "but I'm too tired to fight about it...".

Now me, being me, I instantly chortled, "too tired to fight? Is that even possible?" and we spent the next two hours proving me right...

Guess I lost the night but won the fight? Did cost me a couple of innings of the all star game, but in the end, though the wife was still steamed that I "would say such a thing", I managed to get a touch of a smile and a concession that I might have a point.

Sometimes that's as good as it gets. Life is good...