November Humor

[wyntrout]

[Armybrat]

[OldLincoln]

Loved those pants, worn them until couldn't find them anymore. Don't need them now, my action lost it's traction.

[wyntrout]

Nurse Says She Won’t Laugh Because She’s A Professional. But What Followed Is Hysterical.

“Why are you here to see the doctor”? asked the nurse to the man in the examination room
.

“I’ll tell you, but I don’t want you to laugh”, said Bob.


“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”


“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could. “I am so sorry,” she said , “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again.


Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”


“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.


She ran out of the room.

[CJB]

The only problem I had with 'em was that "Action Zone" would rub my pecker raw, since I go "commando".

[CJB]

A grumbly, gravel voiced old man, speaking sort of loudly due to is hearing loss, goes into a doctors office.

He walks through the waiting room, and up to the window to check in, saying loudly, "I gotta see the doc!".

The nurse there asks what his problem is.

"Its my dick!" he says, even more loudly.

"Sir!", the nurse responds, "You can't say that so loudly here! There are patients in the waiting room who might hear every word!"

"Well, what am I s'posed to do then?", the old man asked.

"What you do," the nurse softly told him, "is tell me its something else, like your ear. Then when you see the doctor, you tell him the real problem."

"Now I want you to go out the door, and come back in, and let's start over.", the nurse commanded.

So, the old gravel voiced, loudmouth, grumbly old guy went out, waited a few seconds, then came back into the doctor's office.

"I gotta see the doc!" he blurted out again, very insistently.

The nurse asked him "What seems to be the problem?"

"It's my d... EAR!" the old man said, loud enough that most folks in the waiting room could hear what he said.

"And what seems to be the matter with your ear, sir?", the nurse asked.

And the old guy said...... "I CAN'T PISS THROUGH IT!!!!"

[b4uqzme]

For you others old enough to remember...

What did Charlie McCarthy say when Edgar Bergen died?



.... Nothing.

[Bawanna]

Crap. I was gonna say "I shall return" while I toke on my corn cob pipe.

[CJB]

Did Mortimer Snerd put you up to that?

[b4uqzme]

Did Mortimer Snerd put you up to that?

Topo Gigio.

[berettabone]

OOOOOOOHHHHHH EDDDDYYYYYYY(Ed Sullivan)

[Armybrat]

For you others old enough to remember...

What did Charlie McCarthy say when Edgar Bergen died?



.... Nothing.

My Dad got Edgar Bergen's autograph on his "Short Snorter" in 1942 (or '43) when he was with Bob Hope's first "overseas" USO tour up to Alaska. Dad was stationed originally at Fort Richardson, but then spent a good part of '42 & '43 in the Aleutian Campaign where the Hope group entertained them. The Hollywood troupe was snowed in for an extra week, so dad got to play some poker with a few of them in the officer's tents. There was Hope, Bergen, Jerry Colonna, Joe E. Brown, & Frances Langford as the headliners. Dad got all their autographs. Bergen also drew a doodle of Charlie McCarthy & Mortimer Snerd on a piece of paper for dad to send to my brother.

[berettabone]

It is hunting season............................................ ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM1suDu-G6k

[Armybrat]

Some Bob Hope one liners:

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

[GROTMAN]

It is hunting season............................................ ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM1suDu-G6k

This one had a beautiful rack, but couldn't quite make myself do him in..