February's Fun Farsical Favors

[wyntrout]

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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!”

I felt so SPECIAL!

She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment!

We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay!” I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”

While I was waiting on the sofa… NAKED.

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[getsome]

Good one Wyn!

[getsome]

Two hospital Doctors were discussing their newly hired head floor Nurse Nancy....One Doctor said to the other one, You know we may have made a mistake when we decided to hire Nurse Nancy because I think she may be dyslexic or something because I gave her orders to give Mrs. Jackson 1 shot of pain medication every 4 hours and she gave her 4 shots every hour and nearly killed her....The other Doctor said, you know the same thing happened when I told her to give Mrs. Thompson an enema every 8 hours and she gave her 8 enemas in an hour and Mrs. Thompson was none to happy about that at all.....The first Doctor suddenly got a panicked look on his face and said Oh My God I've got to find Nurse Nancy fast because I told her to prick Mr. Dixons boil before she left for the day!!!!........

[wyntrout]

He Didn’t Expect His Wife To Keep Having Babies. What He Says Next Is So Stupid It Hurts.

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.


To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”



Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.”Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.”



Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.



“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.



The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

[wyntrout]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"



Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."



The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[wyntrout]

[GROTMAN]

Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the political forum. Turns out Obama and Christie go back way further than anyone first knew..

[GLOCKROCKER]

Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the political forum. Turns out Obama and Christie go back way further than anyone first knew..

I just had to go change my drawers! Friggin hilarious

[muggsy]

Priceless.

[getsome]

It really hurts when you squirt hot coffee out your nose!!!....Good one Grot

[CJB]

You forgot to mention Hillary in the middle between them

[GROTMAN]

Men's Thoughts

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30.
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The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
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Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake!”
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”. “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
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[wyntrout]

It's too bad that we don't have a "Like" button. I would comment more often by liking posts! :-)

I liked a LOT of the posts. I try to post stuff to share those that I run across that make me laugh.

Keep up the good work!

Wynn

[wyntrout]

This one may be a bit overboard, so feel free to remove the post if it's too "bad".


My apologies if anyone is offended, but a lot of people post pictures of cats doing humorous things... this IS ART!


Subject: Norman Rockwell's seldom seen "Cat Prevents House Fire"

[Ken L]

"For Lent, I think I'll just give up"--Carly Fiorina