July: Mayham, mischief, mental plunder and humor.

[b4uqzme]

Wonder if that tailgate will fit an F150?

[CJB]

I'd drive the Dodge, as long as I didn't have to pay for it, or trade it in.....

235,000+ miles on my li'l ol' 99 Ranger, and still runs great!

[340pd]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo!”

[Armybrat]

Might be a little on the risqué side for some members here. If it is, go ahead & pack it in..

[GROTMAN]

Since it's convention time thought I would throw this out there...

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

[Harrylee]

Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”

[kenemoore]

Harrylee, I stealing that one, love it.

[Bills1873]

[Armybrat]

"I didn't shoot him because he killed a dog. I shot him because he killed MY dog"
Testimony in an early 1900's Texas trial. Defendant found Not Guilty.

[Armybrat]

Native American wisdom vs the White Man:

Indian Chief Two Eagles was asked by a white U.S. government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government official then replied,

“When white man find land, Indians running it, not taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women do all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing all night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

[CJB]

Through an interesting set of circumstances, I just got an unused 60 something inch flatscreen TV, so I decided to hook up the HDMI cable rather than the coax.

My British S.O. is gaga over tennis. Dish channel 400.

Her first comment, no lie....." this sets so clear you can actually see the fuzz that players balls! "

Such is life in deeply embedded Florida swampland.

[kenemoore]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[Bills1873]

That's so good, Kenemore! Laugh fest here!!!!

[downtownv]

Russian Olympic pole-vaulter Svetlana Gevanskaia says she doesn't know what all the fuss is about..

[Armybrat]

Maybe (s)he's just packin' with one of those Bulge Holsters shown in post #19 above.