September's satirical silliness

[Bills1873]

On my way to get some breakfast today and came up on this! Damn cyclists, took me an hour to get around them!

[340pd]

A recent CNN poll asked 1,000 female DNC delegates if they would sleep with Bill Clinton.


38% said Yes;



62% said, Never again!

[DavidWJ]

I just don't get liberals. They have no morality or standards, yet they want you to do what they say and do.

[jeepster09]

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons..
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[jeepster09]

Maintain a positive attitude!

After his Helicopter was hit and he was forced to autorotate , the Army pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only an ARMY Helicopter pilot, but also one of an Elite group of people, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your t!tt$, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

[jeepster09]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

*********************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why' I look this way..
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

<><X><><X><><X><><X><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable..

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*********************
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth

[jeepster09]

My plan....

My plan....

[jeepster09]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,
Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

'Cooter'

[jeepster09]

When you're over 60 who cares?

---

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."

After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I went to a bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

[jeepster09]

How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

[Bawanna]

Jeepster my friend, your on a roll this evening. Made my whole day.

[CPTKILLER]

Some are funny and some are quite dumb.

[Bawanna]

Which ones dumb, I just gotta know ya know?

[wyntrout]

Just saw this on facebook:




Today I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl.

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleanser to my friends.

Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong willpower... Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

[wyntrout]

I'll try to post this in the best readable way, but it's amazing... A bada$$ mule!