Fantastic February...

[jeepster09]

Sperm Donor

---

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[jeepster09]

[jeepster09]

How to decide whom to marry (written by kids)

---

1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

__________________

[TXscooterguy]

A very sad day today. I come with a heavy heart to tell you all that after seventeen years of experience in the medical field and a lot of hard work, a dear friend of mine Jacob was fired after sleeping with one of his clients and now can no longer work in his profession and is possibly facing charges.

Guys you have to focus on the prize. Do not throw your life away. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This is a real shame because he is very nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

[Tinman507]

[GLOCKROCKER]

rosie-odonnell-has-come-out-of-her-den-and-saw-30300312.jpg

[dustnchips]

Three women (Jessica engaged, Britney married and Bella is a mistress) are conversation about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather tight costume, leather brassiere, stiletto heels and black masks for their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.
Engaged Jessica says:
The last night when my fiance came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, “you are the woman of my life. I love you”. Then we made love all night long.
Mistress Bella says:
I met my lover at hotel room and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and I tied my lover’s eyes. When I opened his eyes, he only could looked at me didn’t say a word and we had wild sex all night.
Married Britney says:
I sent the kids to my mother’s house.I excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as my husband came to the door and saw me and said,”What’s for dinner, BATMAN?

[jeepster09]

The New Old Doctor

---

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic

He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[dustnchips]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse than that, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
“That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

[jeepster09]

!!!!

[jeepster09]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15293[/ATTACH]

I see she is now leaving....

[dustnchips]

Young Sheryl brings home her fiance Matt to meet her parents.After a delicious dinner,her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites Matt to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am an Old Testament(Torah) researcher,”he replies.”an Old Testament researcher,interesting.” Sheryl’s father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in,as she’s accustomed to?” “I will study,” Matt replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And kids?” asks the father. “How will you support your kids?” “Don’t worry, sir. God will provide,” replies Matt again.The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist insists that ‘God will provide’.
When Matt went, the mother asks,”How did it go,Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans,but the good new is he thinks ‘I am God’.

[jeepster09]

Dear Abby.....I need help on this question.

[dustnchips]

One day, married Jade who wanted to know how her husband Max would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
Jade decided to write a letter to her husband.She writes, she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, Jade put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pencil and added something to the letter.
Then Max started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He took his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
“Hey babe, ready, I’m just changing clothes then will join you,” he said.
“As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to supermarket for buy milk and bread .”

[jeepster09]

One day, married Jade who wanted to know how her husband Max would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
Jade decided to write a letter to her husband.She writes, she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, Jade put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pencil and added something to the letter.
Then Max started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He took his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
“Hey babe, ready, I’m just changing clothes then will join you,” he said.
“As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to supermarket for buy milk and bread .”

Nobody said tall blondes were good at hiding :=]