March Mayhem

[kenemoore]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Navy.
On his first day in boot camp, the Navy issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Navy barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Navy issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Navy dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Navy issued him a jock strap.
The Navy has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[dustnchips]

A Japanese Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’
A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic.
Steve: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’
Kensuke: ‘Nurse,please bring my special medicine from box No. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Steve: ‘Ugwh. this is kerosene.’
Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. 30 dollars please.’
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Steve: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’
Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box no. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Steve (mad): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’
Kensuke: ‘Congratulations. You got your memory back. 30 dollars please.’
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 150 dollars.
Steve: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’
Kensuke: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 150 dollars.’
Steve (staring at the banknotes): ‘But this is 30 dollars, not 150 !’
Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your eyesight is fixed. Give me back 30 dollars which I gave to you and 30 dollars more please.’

[ltxi]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Navy.
On his first day in boot camp, the Navy issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Navy barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Navy issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Navy dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Navy issued him a jock strap.
The Navy has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

I know where they can find him! He changed his name to Joe and married my sister.

[jeepster09]

Art Collector's Wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[Tinman507]

Early St. Patricks Day Humor (because I am Irish, I can....)

1. A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”


2. An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Tinman507]

After many long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the Etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.


When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:


Routine:


1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes a salad, prepares vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. THE.....MAN.....PLACES.....THE.....MEAT.....ON.... .THE.....GRILL


More routine:


5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.


Important again:


7. THE.....MAN.....TAKES.....THE.....MEAT.....OFF.... .THE...GRILL.....AND...HANDS.....IT....TO.....THE. ....WOMAN


More routine:


8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:


10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women!


Happy BBQ Season everyone!

[jeepster09]

Irreplaceable...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2gw-asbBIM

[jeepster09]

I Never Quite Figured Out

---

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

[jeepster09]

Church bells....

---

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

“Oh, no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and said, “He’d still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

[Armybrat]

There once was a mick
who reached for his wick
instead of the sweet jello
Whist sitting by Annette Funicello

[kenemoore]

Church bells....

---

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

“Oh, no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and said, “He’d still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Damn!

[ltxi]

There once was a mick
who reached for his wick
instead of the sweet jello
Whist sitting by Annette Funicello

Funny that is, but.....

[Bobshouse]

Funny that is, but.....

Annette would be slapping and clearing everything on the table if she could get them up that high at her age.

[dustnchips]

A married couple was abducted by Martians one night. This was an effort on the alien’s part to study the life and behavior of human beings.
Terrified, the couple agreed to help the Martians in any way they can as long as they were to be freed the next day. The Martians agreed. They only had one simple request. They wanted to know how earthlings had s.x.
To conduct the experiment, the earth couple was to exchange partners with the Martians. The male earthling slept with a female Martian while the female earthling slept with the male Martian.
When it was time for the male Martian to have s.x with the wife, she looked a bit disappointed. This was because the ***** of the Martian was very small.
“That is no problem,” said the Martian. He slapped his forehead and his ***** lengthened until it was of an impressive length. The wife was amazed.
“But it still looks very thin,” she said.
“That’s not a problem, either,” said the Martian. He then pulled his ears. With each pull, his ***** widened until it was of exciting proportions to the wife.
With everything at the proper size, they continued to have wild s.x for the night. The
morning after, the wife greeted her husband with a smile on her face and asked how his night was.
“It was terrible,” he said. “She slapped my head and kept pulling my ears all night. She was so frustrating.”

[dustnchips]

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”