January Jollies

[jeepster09]

Skiing Weekend

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Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there.

“Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob.

He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?”

“Yes, I do,” said Bob.

“Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?”

Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened.

“And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?”

“I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

Seen on a military humor site:



With All Due Respect . . . ."
A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out.
Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the appropriate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave.

The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "
At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping s#!+ from your aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

[AIRret]

What he do, what he do? I hereby grant you the power to issue demerits.

He used Jokos name in VAIN!...........But he is funny!!!! So I guess I'll give him a pass on demerits this time!

[Bawanna]

Jocko's name in vain? Didn't know that was possible. But I'm sure Jeepster appreciates your leniency. Wait, wait, something going on tween you two.

Speaking of ole ISIS victims I better send ole Jocko a tweet and see whats up.

[AIRret]

Nothing going on between your "main" cyber wife and ....."ANYBODY"..........except...of-course the convict!

[Bawanna]

Expect I have to tolerate him even with his background and history and such.
Sounds like a swell fella anyhow, I like him. Not in any mano mano way ya understand.

[wyntrout]

OMG! My eyes are still running with tears. This is clean enough, I think, and very funny... just had to share it from Facebook!

September 14, 2018

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.




After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

[kenemoore]

OMG!!!!
LMAO!!!

Great one ^^^

[ltxi]

Well, that sounds like fun. Where can I get some of this stuff?

[wyntrout]

Nair, or something like that will probably work! About the time his wife made an appearance, I was unable to see from the tears and uncontrollable laughing.

[Bawanna]

Did the Nair in the jewelry sack trick back in the locker room in junior high. Fortunately nobody ever got me back.

[wyntrout]

This was funnier than the guy sticking the stun gun to his leg. This was the point I lost it... what an image:
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh

[wyntrout]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.



Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”


Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

[jeepster09]

One simple spelling mistake........

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I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip , and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say............

Oh Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling , I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life , and I wish you were her!