The Thirsty Knot

[jeepster09]

My new favorite drink:

My new favorite drink:

"The Bin Laden" Two shots, and a splash of water.

[Willieboy]

Overcrowding in Heaven

So, three guys arrive at the pearly gates hoping they qualify for admittance to heaven. The first is an eighty-five year old man.

Mr. Jones

Saint Peter says to the man, "Ah, Mr. Jones, we've been expecting you. Unfortunately, you've arrived at an inopportune time. You see, heaven is somewhat overcrowded so we've had to raise the bar somewhat. Under the new requirements, not only must you have lived a holy, christian life during your time on earth, you also must have had a really bad day on your last day alive.

Mr. Jones replies, "Boy, I think I qualify," and he tells his story. " While I am quite elderly, I still enjoyed the rigors of the work-a-day world. So, like everyday, I went in to the office bright an early. Then, about mid-morning, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. Fearing it may be the onset of a heart attack, I left early and returned home to rest. Now, I live on the 70th floor of a condominium apartment building. So, I ride the elevator up to seventy and enter my apartment. No sooner do I enter the foyer than I hear groaning from my bedroom. Fearing my 80 year old wife may be in distress, I run to the bedroom. Saint Peter, when I got there I was shocked to see my wife in bed with another man. I gasped and the younger man, with great speed and agility, sprang from the bed and ran. Livid, I chased him as best I could. However I lost sight of him when I stopped to rest. I figured the rascal had gotten away so I returned to the bedroom to berate my wife. As I entered the bedroom, I heard a cry for help coming from the balcony. I stepped onto the balcony and saw fingertips clinging to the edge. Looking over the rail, I saw a young, naked man looking up at me and smiling. Smiling I say!. Well Saint Peter, I was determined to kill this young pervert so I stomped on his fingers. I kept stomping until he released his grip and fell seventy stories. Unfortunately, he landed in some thick shrubbery that broke his fall. I could see he was still alive because he was wiggling and writhing in pain. So, I began throwing things at him. I hit with the toaster oven, a table lamp, my wife's undies, etc. But still he lived. So, I went over to the kitchen, disconnected the refrigerator, rolled it out onto the balcony and pushed it over the railing. Direct hit!. I had killed him. I got so exited at my success, I started jumping up and down, had a heart attack and here I am. Do I qualify for entry Saint Peter?" Saint Peter responds saying, "Well, the Lord's not happy about your having killed the man but, under the circumstances, he will grant you absolution and we welcome you to heaven Mr. Jones."

Mr. Smith

Next in line is a young naked man. Saint Peter tells him of the new rules and the young man explains he too had a terrible last day on earth. He explains he lived on the 71st floor of a condominium apartment building. He said he awoke the morning of his last day feeling too good to go to work. So, he grabbed some coffee and orange juice and went out to the balcony, naked, to relax and enjoy the beautiful morning. Then he decided to do some exercises. He did some stretching exercises, push ups and then decided to finish up with some jumping jacks. While doing the jumping jacks, he explained, "I felt so good, so free in my nakedness, that I jumped too high and flew over the balcony's railing. Fortunately, I was able to stop my fall by grabbing the floor of the balcony of the apartment on the 70th floor. So Saint Peter, I hung there and called for help. In a few minutes, an old man appeared and I smiled up at expectantly. You see Saint Peter, I was sure this old man to help me up. Instead though, he began stomping on my fingers until I could no longer hold on. I fell 70 floors and landed in some bushes that broke my fall. Unfortunately, they were thorn bushes and I was struggling greatly to get out of the bushes. Then, from far above, I see see a small appliance, a lamp and some ladies undies falling from the heavens. These items did hit me but really didn't hurt me. Then, to my horror, I saw a big refrigerator heading my way. Well, the refrigerator hit me square and killed me. That certainly seems to me to have been a terrible last day. What do you think Saint Peter, do I qualify?" Saint Peter consults his book and says, "Our records show that you, Mr. Smith, have lived a good Christian life and your last day on earth was unquestionably terrible. So, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven Mr. Smith.

Mr. Clinton

The third man in line was Bill Clinton. Saint Peter was shocked to see the young president at the pearly gates and asked, "Mr. Clinton, you're far to young to be here. What was it Mr. Clinton, an accident, an assassination, did Hilary hit you in the head with an ashtray?" Bill Clinton responds with that charming smile of his, saying, "Picture this Petey, I'm hiding in this refrigerator and....."

[MW surveyor]

I like it!

[rholmes69]

After God made Adam he said, "I am going to give you a helpmate
She will be called 'woman' and she will be your friend, she will cook for you, clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper, when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right." Adam said, "What would she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?" The rest is history.

[rholmes69]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

[rholmes69]

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'

The young man says, 'An 8 iron, father, how about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'

[rholmes69]

One Liners Quickies!!!!!!!

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A. Because they have cotton balls.

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

[Jeremiah/Az]

What is the difference in a cactus & a Lexus?

On a cactus the pr!cks are on the outside!