April Warning! Anything goes here! (Within reason!)

[JFootin]

You wouldn't want to turn sharply... you'd never stop rolling!

Wynn

Let's look at this again...



Actually, I think it might stop when it rolled onto it's wheels again. An ingenius design!

Think of the custom painting possibilities. Paint it to look like any sort of ball: golf ball, baseball, football, socker ball, eyeball (). Or how about a large green smily?

[Tinman507]

[deadeye]

Is that the Ovomit motors Chevy Volt?

[Barth]

My HK45CT Clone makes me Happy

Went to the range today and quickly lit off 100 rounds of FMJs with the HK45CT clone.
The gun is very soft shooting and easy to rapid fire controlled center mass strings.

Very therapeutic I must say.


Note to Kahr:
I'm still waiting on my MK45 Elite with NS.
When is that pup going to be ready again???

[jeepster09]

The Gorilla and The Redneck...

A small zoo in Indiana obtained a rare gorilla.
...
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Jocko Lee, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Jocko Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Jocko Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Jocko Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Jocko Lee said, "I ain't gonna Kiss her on the lips." :001_tt2:
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a Harley's Rule T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Jocko Lee said, "I want all the children raised going to church.
Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Jocko Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[jocko]

I am selling tickets to this event and I have pre-sold 250,000$ worth so far, the event will take place next saturday--sometme. Now who is the stupid one???? This for ol jocko lee is a steep up from the sheep. Just sayin

I actually got some good tips from obummer, who has alot of experience with apes. Just sayin

[jeepster09]

He get's paid in Banana's.......

[JFootin]

Now this is funny!

No more kissing cousins:
Smartphone app helps Icelanders avoid accidental incest; Future versions for Arkansas and West Virginia

SOURCE:
No more kissing cousins: Smartphone app helps Icelanders avoid accidental incest | World | News | National Post

REYKJAVIK, Iceland — You meet someone, there’s chemistry, and then come the introductory questions: What’s your name? Come here often? Are you my cousin?

In Iceland, a country with a population of 320,000 where most everyone is distantly related, inadvertently kissing cousins is a real risk.

A new smartphone app is on hand to help Icelanders avoid accidental incest. The app lets users “bump” phones, and emits a warning alarm if they are closely related. “Bump the app before you bump in bed,” says the catchy slogan.

Some are hailing it as a welcome solution to a very Icelandic form of social embarrassment.

“Everyone has heard the story of going to a family event and running into a girl you hooked up with some time ago,” said Einar Magnusson, a graphic designer in Iceland’s capital, Reykjavik.

“It’s not a good feeling when you realize that girl is a second cousin. People may think it’s funny, but (the app) is a necessity.”

The Islendiga-App — “App of Icelanders” — is an idea that may only be possible in Iceland, where most of the population shares descent from a group of 9th-century Viking settlers, and where an online database holds genealogical details of almost the entire population.

The app was created by three University of Iceland software engineering students for a contest calling for “new creative uses” of the Islendingabok, or Book of Icelanders, an online database of residents and their family trees stretching back 1,200 years.

Arnar Freyr Adalsteinsson, one of the trio, said it allows any two Icelanders to see how closely related they are, simply by touching phones.

“A small but much talked about feature is the loosely translated ’Incest Prevention Alarm’ that users can enable through the options menu which notifies the user if the person he’s bumping with is too closely related,” Adalsteinsson said.

[ltxi]

Bad idea.

Sister is married to first cousin.

Quoting her..."incest is best"

Not WVA/KY/CA/wherever, either.

[jocko]

in my area we call it "keepin it in the family" more or less...

[yqtszhj]

Be careful if you do family tree research. I found I have a relative where a man married his niece (his brothers daughter) after his first wife died. It was about 150 years ago in Tennessee. I guess it wasn't specifically prohibited by law then.

Isn't that where the whole kissing cousins thing started?

[jocko]

do thjey both play banjo's???/ Just sayin

u know kissin cousins can also be both males to, so lets get that sh!t out of the way..

[wyntrout]

The Ultimate Saleman



A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

[wyntrout]

Subject: YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE...

The Italian MAN of His House. With his Italian wife!



Mario had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE MAN of Your


House'


He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to knowthat I amTHE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.



After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


His Sicilian wife Maria replied, "The fookin' funeral director would be my first guess".

[OldLincoln]

Borrowed from some other forum....

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water.
Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'

She fooled them all.

"How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an Ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight; but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time,
sooner or later,
as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden,
holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can,
put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.
Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!