SEPTEMBER! Remember anything goes here thread. Within moral and ethical guidelines.

[DavidS]

10576979_10152248000940738_5076184865816379698_n.jpg

[muggsy]

I heard that Stevie Wonder was killed in an automobile accident and Ray Charles was driving.

[muggsy]

Only in America. Joe Biden gave a labor day speech to union members about fair wages and referred to himself as "middle class" Joe. When he gave the speech he was wearing a golf shirt from Sebonack Golf Club that costs upwards $500,000 to join.

http://www.businessinsider.com/joe-b...b-shirt-2014-9

[DavidS]

Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.	Sometimes we just don't want to talk. Don't take it personally.
2.	We notice other women because we are men and we are alive. This does not mean we're planning to dump you and jump them.
3.	Our favorite T-shirts are not "disgraceful." They show our loyalty to our college, our favorite sports team, our favorite beer, our favorite vacation or number 23.
4.	Helpless is not cute.
5.	Get to the point.
6.	Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time. So don't talk to us while we're doing something. We will either ignore you, because we don't hear you "honestly), or we'll screw up what we're doing because you've distracted us. Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire, if someone needs immediate medical attention, if Pamela Lee is on TV or if there is an emergency that needs a hero.
7.	You can't complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still single.
8.	If you ask us, "Do you think she's prettier then me?" we just might say, "Yes." Then what are you going to do?
9.	Don't expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems. Just because we love you, doesn't mean your cellulite, your credit card debt or your bad mood will disappear.
10.	We would not wear high heels to impress you.
11.	Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in.
12.	For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It's an opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are.
13.	If you want us to notice something, help us out by saying something like, "I went to the beauty shop today."
14.	If you have to have a cat, at least don't call him "Mister" anything.
15.	Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous.
16.	We need to vegetate.
17.	We don't go shopping. When we need something, we buy it.
18.	We believe our bodily functions are perfectly normal and, at times, quite amusing.
19.	We don't believe you when you say money isn't important to you.
20.	When we see pictures of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones we feel proud and happy to be men. We don't care if it's not fair.
21.	It's not that we don't want to make you happy, it's just that sometimes, we don't know how.
22.	Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
23.	If it itches, it will be scratched.
24.	If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn't want to hear.
25.	Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
26.	Don't ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topis such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
27.	Sundays equals sports. Period.
28.	Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
29.	When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
30.	You have enough clothes.
31.	You have too many shoes.
32.	Crying is blackmail.
33.	Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
34.	Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
35.	No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.
36.	We're not mind readers and we never will be. OUr lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
37.	Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair - out of 30 - would look good with your dress?
38.	Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
39.	Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
40.	A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
41.	Check your oil.
42.	Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
43.	It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together.
44.	It doesn't matter which quiz.
45.	Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
46.	If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
47.	If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
48.	You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
49.	Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
50.	Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
51.	If you wear a Wonderbra and a low-cut blouse, you lose the right to complain about having your boobs stared at.
52.	Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
53.	Men see a limited number of colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
54.	Ditto melon.
55.	If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong.

[Southerngunner]

THE GUNFIGHTER


A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.


The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...


‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.


The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'


'Sure will '


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'


'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.


'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'


The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[Southerngunner]

Yeah and Jeff Healey was reading the map

[GROTMAN]

Was confused at first..wasn't sure if she was coming or going.

[Bawanna]

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

[ltxi]

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

One of your violets?

[b4uqzme]

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I spewed.

[Bawanna]

One of your violets?

Close, have to fatten her up a little bit and dress her down some but close.

[Barth]

I've got nothing...

[ced_56]

I'm going to go bleach my eyes now....thanks

[kenemoore]

ugh

[DavidS]

Ever have one of those days?


https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v...ages_video_set