Humor

[kenemoore]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast!

[GROTMAN]

Thought I'd throw another one in the pot..

Superman was out flying around when he spotted Wonder Woman sun bathing nude on her roof. He flew down like the speed of light and screwed her like a maniac, in the blink of an eye. She yelled out "What the hell was that!"

The invisible man screamed "Oh god!...my ass!...call 911!"

[wyntrout]

Funny.

[340pd]

Here we go...........

Phone rings, woman answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with
no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf - who shall I say is calling?"

[kenemoore]

340pd, Nice!

[wyntrout]

I've been doing it wrong!



I've been making my targets with too small a bullseye!

Wynn

[mr.ed]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kahr
Kahr who?
Kahrn't you just love my new pistol?

[GROTMAN]

Five Horses Is Her Name

This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful...


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean...




















NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[berettabone]

I was following a guy down the road in my car.................he slammed on the brakes, and I tapped him in the rear end. The guy gets out, and he's a dwarf. He walks right up to me and looks me in the eye and says, " I'm not happy." I said, " Which one are you then?"

[jeepster09]

All jobs can be made fun...

All jobs can be made fun...

[wyntrout]

HA! That reminds me... Tuesday is Bastille Day! It's too bad that we don't use the guillotine... televised... with the head jerked up in front of the camera to see their expressions. Maybe some reporterette could do a QUICK interview... but I guess it would be hard to talk without lung power.

Wynn

[kenemoore]

Another one:

Why did The Chicken Cross The Road?
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCain: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2015, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken2015. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??????

[GLOCKROCKER]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show a possum it could be done!

[wyntrout]

Nah... to show the armadillo!

[kwh]

Great. Thanks Kenemoore.