March toward the light(er) side of the month!

[CJB]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will;go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to theArabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or;China ...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ...
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go ;to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard;sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[Bills1873]

You are good, CJB!

[CJB]

Good Lord.... A cookir cutter fot thr rainbow crowd.

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

Little Johnny is back and this time he's making a great point.

[wyntrout]

I could handle this one! :-D




As soon as my prostate surgery is healed(TURP on 23 Feb.), I'm going to get my GI doctor to do something about my hemorrhoids so that I can get back on the treadmill. I was trying to get back into a lot of walking and a bit of running, but my my hemmies said "unh unh"!

TURP: http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healt...urp_92,P09349/

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

[Harrylee]

[wyntrout]

This may have been posted recently:

[Armybrat]

Jocko sent a picture of his travels...

[wyntrout]

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

The first man replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”

“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a BLINK! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”

“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA!”

“What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

“Oh sure,” said Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.”

Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

[wyntrout]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her and having an affair with their maid. So she laid down an awesome trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend but she didn’t tell her husband.

Later that night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story- Excuse me my dear, I have a stomach ache and went to the bathroom, as he always does.

The wife immediately went into the maid’s room and jumped into her bed. She switched the lights off.

When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her and took care of business.

When he finished and was still out of breath, the wife said, “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?”

And then she switched on the light. That’s when she got a big surprise.

“No mam, I sure didn’t,” the gardener said!

[kenemoore]

Wyntrout, you are a hoot!