Fantastic February...

[dustnchips]

“Hello?”, “Hi sweety. This is Daddy.Could you give the phone to your Mommy if she is near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ben.”
After a short pause, Daddy says, “But sweety, you haven’t got an Uncle Ben.”
“Oh yes I have and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Short Pause,again. “Ah umm, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”She says.
“And what happened sweety?”Daddy asked.
Well, Mommy screamed, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around. Then she tripped over the carpet, hit her head on the console and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Jesus Christ! What about your Uncle Ben?”
“He jumped out of the bed all naked, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the floor of the pool and I think he does not breath now.”
Silence…Silence…Silence for a long time…
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? Is this 356-8769?”

[dustnchips]

A man escapes from the jail where he has been for fourteen years.
He breaks into a house to look for food,clothes,money,car and maybe guns.He goes to the bedroom and finds a new married young couple in bed.
He shouts to the young husband out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While convict is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen honey, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his weird face and clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fight back, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.Be strong darling.I love you.”
After that his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was a gay, thought you were nice and cute, and asked me if we had any moisturizer or vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong darling.I love you too!”

[kenemoore]

^^Good ones!

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

Ha! Ha! So funny!

[dustnchips]

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now,what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

[dustnchips]

An older couple Olivia and Percival,who were both widowed,had been going out with each other for long years.Urged on by their friends,our couple decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding day,they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances,living arrangements,and so on.Finally, the old gentleman Percival decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked,rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently “, Olivia replied. Percival sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,scratched his jaw then leaned over towards her and whispered,“Is that one word or two?”

[dustnchips]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.
”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****!”

[Bawanna]

Aw, you killed me with that one.........

[dustnchips]

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your s.xual tension?”
“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s.x with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks: “Are you almost done Doc?”
“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”

[jeepster09]

I think Jocko is back...I need his spell checker to read?