The Thirsty Knot

[Willieboy]

So this string walks into a bar after a hard day's work and orders a beer. The bartender looks the string up and down and tells him, "Sorry pal, we don't serve strings here. You'll have to leave." The string pleads his case explaining he's had a hard day and would like just one beer before catching the train home. The bartender tells him, "No dice buddy! We don't serve strings in this establishment so beat it."

Dejected, and still thirsty, the string leaves the bar and steps into an alley. Determined to get his beer, the string ties himslf in a knot such that the knot is where his head would be if he were a person. That done, the string frays his strands above the knot so it looks like hair above the knot. Satisfied he now resembles a person, the string returns to the bar, thirsty and determined.

Entering the bar, the string plops himself on a bar stool and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Yes sir, coming right up." The bartender turns from the bar to grab a glass and studies the string a little in the mirror. Suspicious, the bartender confronts the string saying, "Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you the same string that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The string replies, (drum roll please) "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Yuk, yuk, yuk!

[JimBianchi]

Wow, that was bad...........

[mr surveyor]

just bad enough to be funny in my current state of celebratory condition

[MW surveyor]

I like good puns. Take that as you like.

[Willieboy]

Don't tell me you guys don't like this side splitter.

[Dietrich]

Don't tell me you guys don't like this side splitter.

I don`t like this one,I love it.It`s the type of joke that may take some people a little while to get when it`s told to them verbally.Good one Willieboy.

[Dietrich]

Try this one on for size

A woman inherited a beautiful grand piano and needed to have it tuned.There was only one piano tuner in her small town and his name was Mr.Opporknockity.She called him and set up an appointment.He arrived and went quickly to work.After an hour or so he called to the lady and said the task was completed,received his fee and left. Later,the lady sat down at the piano and began to play.Much to her dismay,she noticed several of the keys were still out of tune.She called him and told him he needed to come back because the piano wasn`t tuned properly.He replied,"Madam,I`m sorry,but Opporknockity only tunes once."

[jeepster09]

Sale at Bass Pro Shop.....

Bass Pro Shop Sale...
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco
404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

[Willieboy]

Good ones guys.

[Bill K]

Horse walks into a bar to order a drink. The bartender looks up and says to the horse... "Why such a long face?"

Bill K.

[jeepster09]

Horse walks into a bar to order a drink. The bartender looks up and says to the horse... "Why such a long face?"

Bill K.

I also ask my "Collie" that all the time........

[jimbar]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Bawanna]

Oh my! I did not see that one coming. Nice.

[Dzozer]

Take my wife, please!

[Willieboy]

A priest is up in the bellfree preparing to ring the bell for the 10 o'clock mass. Just as he's about to grab the rope to ring the bell, a little tiny guy approaches the priest and asks, "Father, may I ring the bells?" The priest responds that the little guy may not ring the bells becasue he's not a priest and besides, he's not tall enough to reach the rope. The little guys says, "Father, I don't need to use the rope to ring the bell, I use my face for that." Curious, the priest asks for a demonstration. With that, the little fellow goes to the corner of the bellfree, aims himself at the bell and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. At the last minute the dimutive little guy leaps into the air and crashes face first into the bell. Sure enough, the bell goes "Bong" and the little man plops to the bellfree floor. The priest, unsure he can believe what he's just seen asks for a repeat performance. The little guy obliges, Run, run, leap, crash, bong. plop. The priest says, "Okay, I guess you don't need rope and I think you've earned the right to ring the bells. Now, it's ten o'clock mass so I need ten rings of the bell. Have at it little fellow."

So the little guy returns to the corner of the bellfree and goes at it: Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop.... After nine rings, his nose is broken, his left eye is swollen shut and he's seeing double. However, knowing he has only one ring to go, he returns to the bellfree corner, gathers all his stregth and courage and races accross the bellfree floor. He leaps into the air at the last minute, misses the bell, flys out the bellfree window and falls ten stories to the street below. The priest, fearing for the little man's welfare, races down the circular bellfree stairs and runs out to the street where the gathering crowd asks, "Father, father, did you know this man?" The priest responds, "I did not know his name (drumroll please), but his face rings a bell."

Exactly one year later, the same priest is up in the bellfree preparing to ring the bell for the ten o'clock mass. Again, a little tiny guy approaches the priest and asks, "Father, may I ring the bells?" The priest says in response, "Hell no, last year I let a little guy ring the bells and we had a terrible tragedy." The little guy says, "I know Father, that was my brother the bell ringer who died that day, and I was hoping you'd let me ring the bell in his honor and to remember the one year anniversary of his death." The priest points out the man's slight stature and says he's not tall enough to reach the rope either. The little guys explains he does not need the rope, that he ring the bell with his face, as his brother did. As before, the priest asks for a demonstration. With that, the little fellow goes to the corner of the bellfree, aims himself at the bell and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. At the last minute the dimutive little guy leaps into the air and crashes face first into the bell. Sure enough, the bell goes "Bong" and the little man plops to the bellfree floor. The priest, unsure he can believe what he's just seen asks for a repeat performance. The little guy obliges, Run, run, leap, crash, bong. plop. The priest says, "Okay, I guess you don't need rope either and I think you've earned the right to ring the bells. But, for heavens sake, be careful. I don't want another terrible tragedy like we had last year. Now, it's ten o'clock mass so I need ten rings of the bell. Have at it little fellow."

So the little guy returns to the corner of the bellfree and goes at it: Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop. Run, run, leap, crash, bong plop.... After nine rings, his nose is broken, his left eye is swollen shut and he's seeing double. However, knowing he has only one ring to go, he returns to the bellfree corner, gathers all his stregth and courage and races accross the bellfree floor. He leaps into the air at the last minute , misses the bell, flys out the bellfree window and falls ten stories to the street below. The priest, fearing for the little man's welfare, races down the circular bellfree stair and runs out to the street where the gathering crowd asks, "Father, father, did you know this man?" The priest responds, "I did not know his name (drumroll please), but he's a dead ringer for his brother."