October Free for All

[jeepster09]

Big dog and little dog are at the vet. Big dog ask, what you here for?
Little dog says, well I am a house dog and my master left the house one day
and didn't close the door all the way. So I went outside,
got in the flower bed and had a riproaring time.
Now he has brought me here to have me put to sleep. Big dog, oh I am sorry
to hear that. Little dog says, what are you here for?
Big dog says, I am a yard dog and like you, my master left the door open
one day. So I went in and checked the place out. I went upstairs and went in a bedroom.
There was a naked woman down on her hands and knees looking under a bed.
I just mounted her up and got me some. little dog says, oh no, are they going to put you to sleep too?
Big dog says, no I am here for a shampoo and a manicure, I am a house dog now...

[jeepster09]

The nun and the cabbie
Nun flags down a cab, gets in and gives the driver an address. After a few miles she notices the cabbie is staring at her in the rearview mirror.
(Nun)Son I see you staring at me, is there something you'd like to say.
(Cabbie) Yes ma'am but I am afraid that I might offend you.
(Nun) Oh I have been a nun for a long time, I don't think there is anything you could say to offend me.
(Cabbie) Well I have always been fascinated by nuns and I was wondering if I might be able to kiss you!
(Nun) It's possible, are you Catholic?
(Cabbie) Oh yes ma'am.
(Nun) Are you single?
(Cabbie) Oh yes ma'am, I am single too.
(Nun) Whip into the next alley.
He does and they both get out. The nun lays a liplock on him that would make a sailor blush. They get back in and continue on. Now she notices that the cabbie is crying.
(Nun) Son, whats wrong now?
(Cabbie) Sister I must confess, I am not Catholic and I am married too.
(Nun) Thats ok, my name is Joey and I am going to a costume party.

[Barth]

I'm not allowed to post jokes anymore...

LOL

[MW surveyor]

Barth, you are correct. That is not a joke!

[OldLincoln]

Ed and Sylvia

Ed and his wife Sylvia go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, " Sylvia, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Sylvia always replied, " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Sylvia went to the fair, and Ed said, " Sylvia, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Sylvia replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Sylvia agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Sylvia fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[OldLincoln]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers
Understanding Engineers One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[OldLincoln]

Smart ass
SMART ASS

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

NOW ............
Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[OldLincoln]

Answers To Common Questions

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document.. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

There . . . NOW you know!

[JFootin]

Smart ass

A very good one, Old Buddy! I am going to share it.

[mr surveyor]

Now I can't work today after all that head filling

[Barth]

Go Big or Go Home

Got a line on one of the rare LEM conversion kits in stock from Vegas last night on the internet.
Ran down to the LGS when they opened at 10:00 AM and grabbed the last remaining HK45C in the store.
Literally out of the display case. Talked the manager down $50 bucks on the price too.

Now I'm a HK Big Bore guy - Woo Hoo!
I'm thinking Bawanna would approve.
I LOVE OCTOBER

[GROTMAN]

WHY OUR COUNTRY IS IN SO MUCH DEBT ?

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC; One from Illinois one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky. They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for ! ! $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'

The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

[jocko]

don';t kid urself, it probably happens that way alot. Solyndra comes to mind..

[GROTMAN]

[jocko]

Rotflmfao