August's altogether awkward attempts at humor

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

Subject: For the Boys Only

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......
my wife manages to get on every danged one of them.
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant...
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my c@’k.
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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my d!ck tastes funny”
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic b!tch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform
but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her rear sore.

[wyntrout]

Air Force Entrance Exam . .

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school…..

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom , The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[wyntrout]

[DavidWJ]

OMG, the last two LOLOLOLOLOL

[wyntrout]

A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.


"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"



"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."


So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.


About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.


"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.


"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"


"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"


"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."


The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.


When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".


"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"


The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"


"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"


The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying b!tch his girlfriend turned out to be.

[Bills1873]

That's funny as hell! Could even be true! HAHAHA!!!!

[CPTKILLER]

[wyntrout]

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:


"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.


Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."


She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.


Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"


At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:


"How much for a season pass?”