August's altogether awkward attempts at humor

[wyntrout]

A Man Was Given One Wish From God But Not Even He Could Grant It.

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”


The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”



The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic… think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make this woman truly happy.”



The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Bawanna]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.


The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you!"



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.


She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her... He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you tell??"

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[GROTMAN]

Mario & Maria they come to the United States
They were so proud to be here

After about 6 months Maria - she starts to worry about her husband
He has been acting odd since they got here

She asks ... Mario! Are you okay? Are happy here?

Mario says with a BIG SMILE
Yes mi amore! I love this wonderful land It's so wonderful

a few more weeks go by and Maria - she is still worried about her Mario
and makes an appointment for him with a doctor and takes him there.

When the doctor enters the exam room
Maria asks the doctor to speak with her privately
so they step off into the outer office

Doctors asks ... What can I do for you Maria
and she explains to the doctor

My Mario - there is something the matter with him since we come here to America

Doctor asks: Whats the matter Maria

She explains to the doctor
My Mario - he is always blowing his nose but nothing is coming out

Doctor replies Perhaps he has an allergy

to which Maria says
But Doctor ... that's not all
Since we been here he won't take a bath.
In six months he never took a bath one time

Doctor replies with a suggestion to have Mario see his associate in the Psychiatric department

to which Maria says ... BUT DOCTOR that is not the worst of it

She goes on to say
When we make love he forbids me to get on top any more ... and he used to love that a lot

After she said that he says ... well I will talk with him and see whats the problem here


They go back into the room with Mario and the doctor says: Mario how are you doing since you came to the country?

With a big smile he replies
Doing great! I love this beautiful country!

Doctor then says Mario your wife says you changed
You blow your nose all the time.
Are you feeling sick?

Mario said No Doctor - I feel great!

Doctor then says Mario your wife says you don't bathe any more
are you sure you are okay?


With a big smile he replies
I am happy and fine here! I love this beautiful country!

Doctor then says Mario your wife says you don't make love like you used to do
She says you don't allow her to get on top
What's going on?

Mario ... he tells the doctor

I love this country and before we come here my family they tell me 3 things

1) You ALWAYS keep you nose clean
2) You never put your ass in hot water
3) NEVER EVER F*** Up!

[Bawanna]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

[yqtszhj]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

Now thats funny

[wyntrout]

[wyntrout]

Subject: Repairing the downspout

"Honey, get off your rear and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!"




Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most of our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"



So, I invited some of my neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.



One is a sheet metal fabricator.



One brought his welder.



One brought beer and Nachos.



One brought a grill and burgers.



Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.



As usual, the wife is still not happy!!




Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!



Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.

[kenemoore]

Love IT !

[CJB]

.....But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have.....

[GROTMAN]

hillary and Trump both go into a doughnut shop. Hillary says, "Watch this. I'll show you how to get doughnuts without paying for them. She manages to put three doughnuts in her purse without anyone noticing. She says, "See? THAT'S how it's done..."

Trump says, "I can show you a better way to get three doughnuts, and I won't have to steal anything."

He says to the owner, "Give me a doughnut and I'll show you a magic trick. The owner gives him a doughnut, which he promptly eats.

He says to the owner, "Give me another doughnut for the magic trick." The owner gives him another doughnut, which he also promptly eats.

He says again to the owner, "I need one more doughnut to show you the magic trick." Reluctantly, the owner gives him another doughnut, which he again promptly eats.

The owner says, "So where's the magic? All I've seen so far is you eating three of my doughnuts!"

Trump says, "Look in hillary's purse

[Bills1873]

Great one Grot!

[GROTMAN]

Looks like Granny's in trouble again..

[wyntrout]

[CJB]

Trump's watching Olympics. He wants to see how high Mexicans can pole vault!

[GROTMAN]

Trump's watching Olympics. He wants to see how high Mexicans can pole vault!

Mexico won't win many medals in track and field or swimming since most of their best jumpers, runners and swimmers are in the US already.