August's altogether awkward attempts at humor

[CJB]

I just find this odd. Southwest flight 3472 lost an engine between NOLA and Orlando.

That's sort of rare, but this is the odd part, from the news story:

"Flight 3472 from New Orleans diverted the airplane to Pensacola, Florida, after the pilot detected something had gone wrong with an engine, according to a Southwest statement."

Considering there are now pictures all over the 'net showing the engine, minus its front third, taken by the passengers on that flight.... you really think "the pilot detecting something had gone wrong"? Seriously? Like the cabin crew wasn't beatin' the cockpit door down while parts were being torn off? Anyway, its front turbine gone, engine locked up solid. Nothin' but dead drag on the airplane.

The pictures:









One of the stories:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/08/27...e-problem.html

[Planedude]

Yeah, That was quite the understatement for a failure that dramatic...

The hole that was punched into the fuselage (in the baggage hold) and the associated cabin depressurization was the real danger. They were lucky to be so low when it let go. If that had happened at cruise altitude, it could have collapsed the floor and jammed the flight controls.

Fun facts for frequent flyers...

As it happened, It was a "safe" failure and no one was ever in danger of crashing. This is now just a good story for the grandkids.

[ltxi]

Us'ns who've spent a lotta time in the air tend to be given to understatement. Witness the (^) term "safe failure" fer a deal like this.

Way back in the day when I was first learning to fly, in a T41, I asked my IP a stupid question...."What happens if we hit a bird?" Simple answer...."Then we die." An "Ahh, got it." moment that was.

[wyntrout]

I guess that the heading including "awkward attempts at humor" left the thread wide open here, but not seeing any humor!

[jeepster09]

I took Jocko to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is somewhere around 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. Jocko kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing Jocko, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[jeepster09]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[jeepster09]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'

At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning..

......you don't...'

[jeepster09]

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...
-———
Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza …
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How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
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I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...
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I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes ...
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A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it ...
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Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel ...
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Senility has been a smooth transition for me ...
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Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
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I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this ...
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I love being over 50. I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others.
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A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him ...
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over the rocks”!
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I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day ...
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"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

__________________

[jeepster09]

NO SEX Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[Bills1873]

Gotta love your jokes! You outdid yourself,good ones!

[wyntrout]

Ha! Ha! That's more like it! Thanks, definitely some funny ones.

[Planedude]

I guess that the heading including "awkward attempts at humor" left the thread wide open here, but not seeing any humor!

Okay, some real aircraft humor...

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way. The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

[jeepster09]

8 words with two meanings....

---

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[jeepster09]

Okay, some real aircraft humor...

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way. The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

Some more...
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked
the usual question always asked:
"If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect
deadpan answered: "The rest of your life".

[Planedude]

One more. I grew up a Air Force brat, my father was a SAC bomber mechanic. Back in those days (before GPS) they all flew with honest to god navigators. I was a very young Lad when I first heard this one, but it stuck with me all these years.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
you will."

I still hear the belly laughs after all these years.