Dear Dietrich

[Bawanna]

I wouldn't touch that Swede with a 10-foot pole.

My advice is to man up and do it yourself.

It was nice knowing you, Bawanna!

I knew it, there was an ulterior motive and your siding with her trying to get me killed for the insurance money that you'll probably split and both do your griefing in the Bahama's which is a whole nuther country.

Maybe if I had a 10-foot pole, ahh skip that.

Your not the first person to tell me to man up. Must be some truth to that. I better go to the library on the way home from my Ballet lessons and see if they have any books on "Maning up".

Truth be told my little Swede got a raw deal getting hooked up with me, never planned on being a deaf derelict with a bad attitude. It's no wonder she likes to boss me around and abuse me relentlessly. I deserve it and enjoy it and don't know what I'd do with out it.
And she looks a little bit like Tiger Woods ex swede which ain't bad at all. What a dummy golf player he is.
Everyone think I'm ok now in case she ever reads this stuff. Or should I pick out a monument and start digging? Hmm another question for Dear Deitrich or do you think digging is too technical.

[melissa5]

I knew it, there was an ulterior motive and your siding with her trying to get me killed for the insurance money that you'll probably split and both do your griefing in the Bahama's which is a whole nuther country.

Maybe if I had a 10-foot pole, ahh skip that.

Your not the first person to tell me to man up. Must be some truth to that. I better go to the library on the way home from my Ballet lessons and see if they have any books on "Maning up".

Truth be told my little Swede got a raw deal getting hooked up with me, never planned on being a deaf derelict with a bad attitude. It's no wonder she likes to boss me around and abuse me relentlessly. I deserve it and enjoy it and don't know what I'd do with out it.
And she looks a little bit like Tiger Woods ex swede which ain't bad at all. What a dummy golf player he is.
Everyone think I'm ok now in case she ever reads this stuff. Or should I pick out a monument and start digging? Hmm another question for Dear Deitrich or do you think digging is too technical.

What? Are you trying to say that the Swede and I are Lebanese? If that were the case, I wouldn't need a 10-foot pole!

She sounds like a dream boat. Maybe I should be Lebanese! Does she know Swedish massage? Ah, skip that...

[Dietrich]

Will you two please leave it to the professionals? Sheesh,what a pair!! Speaking of a pair,I suggest you grow `em Bawanna.And Melissa,there is nothing wrong with being Lebanese.A Yemini yes, but Lebanese,no. Now on to the solution.The answer to the problem is as obvious as the nose on Danny Thomas` face.Get yourself an eleven foot pole.Now both of you,sit down and behave or there will be consequences.

[jeepster09]

Dear Dietrich

Why is everyone wantin to go Green......I thought we were fraid of da Martians? Or is it like becoming Lebanese?

[Dietrich]

Dear Dietrich

Why is everyone wantin to go Green......I thought we were fraid of da Martians? Or is it like becoming Lebanese?

No,nothing at all like becoming Lebanese which involves several tons of coal and lots of money. Going green is one of those convoluted terms that has to do with aging gracefully.As you may know,cheese turns green with mold as it ages and gets better.Ergo,some people on the left coast figured that if cheese got better with age,they wanted to jump on that particular bandwagon too.That`s where the term "Going Green" sprang from.We still need to be on the lookout for Martians though.

[Willieboy]

I'm ugly!!

Dear Detrich,

God made me just as ugly as he could... and then he hit me in the face with a coal shovel.

Can you hep me?

P.S. if it matters in your analysis, I am Lebanese but I'm stuck in a man's body.

[Dietrich]

Dear Detrich,

God made me just as ugly as he could... and then he hit me in the face with a coal shovel.

Can you hep me?

P.S. if it matters in your analysis, I am Lebanese but I'm stuck in a man's body.

Life certainly isn`t a bowl of cherries for you,is it?

[Jeremiah/Az]

Dear Dietrich,

I think something may be wrong with my girlfriend. She gets to breathing funny, makes animal kinds of sounds, gets red in the face & then seems to collapse & cry quietly. Then I get real sleepy. Is her condition contagious?

[swampman]

-------------

Dear Dietritch,When my butt itches I scratch it,Then when I wipe the sweat from my brow,there is a strange smell,I just cant figure it,please help,Swampman.

[Dietrich]

Dear Dietrich,

I think something may be wrong with my girlfriend. She gets to breathing funny, makes animal kinds of sounds, gets red in the face & then seems to collapse & cry quietly. Then I get real sleepy. Is her condition contagious?

No,she`s not contagious and the even better news is her condition is treatable.It is obvious to those of us in the know that she needs a release of sorts and a pet to calm her frazzled nerves.I have heard rumors on the Sci-Fi network that there is a creature that has been developed that may take care of both problems.Scientisits have crossbred an armadillo with a personal vibrator and have named it the armadildo.Get one for your girlfriend as soon as they become available to the general public.She will find a happiness that has as yet been undiscovered along with unconditional affection.You,in turn, will be much more rested and alert for watching wrestling on TV.Best,Dietrich.

[Rainman48314]

recipes

Dear Dietrich

I love cats. Do you have any recipes?

Thanks

[Dietrich]

Dear Dietritch,When my butt itches I scratch it,Then when I wipe the sweat from my brow,there is a strange smell,I just cant figure it,please help,Swampman.

I used to be married to a woman who had the same problem.It turned out that the strange smell was the soap she should have been using to wash her butt.Once she discovered the advantages of personal hygene the itching of her behind went away.However,the pain in my behind didn`t go away until our divorce became final.Never date a woman who uses vanilla extract for perfume.It`s OK in the winter but in the summertime the flies blow her.Best,Dietrich.

[Dietrich]

Dear Dietrich

I love cats. Do you have any recipes?

Thanks

You are a brave one indeed.Not many of the guys here will admit to loving Broadway musicals.Bravo,young man,bravo.And yes,I have some recipes.

[Joe_Pike]

Dear Dietrich

Long time listener, first time caller.

I have asked these two questions at various times directed at different people in the past but have never been given a satisfactory answer. Maybe you can help.

1. Why is Captain Crunch's eyebrows on his hat?

and

2. Why does Donald Duck put on a towel after a shower but never wears pants?

Thank you.

[Dietrich]

Dear Dietrich

Long time listener, first time caller.

I have asked these two questions at various times directed at different people in the past but have never been given a satisfactory answer. Maybe you can help.

1. Why is Captain Crunch's eyebrows on his hat?

and

2. Why does Donald Duck put on a towel after a shower but never wears pants?

Thank you.

#1. They are not eyebrows.Crunch is a captain in the Lebanese navy and those are actually military insignia.The Captain is a woman for those who didn`t know.

#2. Don is a domesticated duck and has lost his natural ability to shed water.Hence the towel. He has no need to wear pants due to a bitter domestic dispute with Daisy that ended in a Bobbit bobbing.Therefore,he has no need for pants as he no longer has anything to hide.His feathers cover the stump.Best Dietrich.