August's altogether awkward attempts at humor

[OldLincoln]

Obituary for William Ziegler, 69

The obituary was for New Orleans firefighter William Ziegler, 69, and it was truly hysterical, yet it also serves its purpose in letting people know what he was like when he was alive.

You can read the full obituary here:

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts. Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

[wyntrout]

That's a cool obit!

[ltxi]

William Ziegler sounds like my kinda guy and his family is definitely my kind of folk!

[Bills1873]

Very honorable obit! Thanks for sharing!

[GROTMAN]

As Paul Harvey would say "here's the rest of the story"..

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69.

We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but wellwishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor.

He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.

[dustnchips]

I wasn't sure if I should put this in here or start a new thread in Politics

I was in line at the grocery and saw a National Enquirer headline. (it must be true) Hillary has gained 103 pounds and she is eating herself to death. I propose that all gun owners start sending her cupcakes and other delectable to help her along.

[wyntrout]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"


The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.


Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"


"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Armybrat]

[340pd]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.”

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one..
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?”

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"..

[GROTMAN]

55th High School Reunion He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the past without fail.

This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation
he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me,
did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

P.S

Sorry if this was posted before.. if it was I forgot..

[ltxi]

^ Excellent...and for me, timely.

This year was my 55th HS reunion. I didn't go. Couldn't remember where it was.

[yqtszhj]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.”

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one..
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?”

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"..

Now that's funny.

[DavidWJ]

Awesome! The single man's bed. Let sleeping dogs lay where they want...

[GROTMAN]

Well why not..works so well other places..

[wyntrout]

Two Men Lose Their Wives in the Market. The Older Man’s Suggestion?

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.


The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”



The young guy says, “That’s okay, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”



The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”



“Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?”



The old guy replies, “It doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”